Goodbye

[Riley 13,064]

Trigger warning I guess

 

My life has always been a complicated web of just honestly shit with myself and a lot of the world. I've found communities such as this one to pretend to be happy in and just try and forget everything else but it all eventually comes back. 

I come to realize how lonely I am, how much I hate myself, and how much the world around me hates me. And it's to much. I don't think I can do it anymore. 

I can't find a reason why living another moment would be better than the relief of death. The world sucks and whatever comes after it will be better, no matter what it is.

I walk through my life every day hating everything about myself. My height, my voice, my well a lot of things. Things that plague me every time I move, look in the mirror, and see other people. Emotionally I'm more of a mess than anything I can think of. I say stupid things and I just feel like everything about me is wrong. It's hard to put into words.

Sometimes I wonder if we all have a destiny and a life purpose and I wonder if mine was to lead me here. Sitting on my floor with a knife next to me, writing this post. 

So I guess this is goodbye. I'm sorry I plagued this website with my presence and I hope everyone loves happier lives without me. I hope you all go and do great things in your future. Things that I couldn't have ever done. 

Idk if I'll stay to see if anyone responds but if not. Goodbye everyone

Sincerely,

Raven

[mickymoist 3,515]

Raven, you don't "plague" this forum you make it better by being here, and there are lots of people here who care,  if you're really feeling  that low you really need to be with someone, maybe one of your friends, and maybe get some help?

Mike

[mickymoist 3,515]

Just those evening you were mentioned in the cuddle a forum member thread by @Pissdrinker people do care Raven xx

[Peefreak99 3,722]

Raven don't do it please. Just lisstnen to me it's all in your head YOU ARE LOVED. i know you suffer from anxiety and that makes you believe those things i prommise you that you are a loved person. Sure you might not be the most popular girl at school but shes problaby a bitch anyway YOU ARE NOT. What do you think your mom would do if you killed yourself? Do you have a pet? Are you going to just leave it all alone then?. Look i've been on your path i know it feels like everyone hates you sometimes and that you are just in the way but believe me it's all in your head. Just put the damn knife away and go to your family or a friend. Also you are not hated want me to prove it? LOOK HOW MANY LIKES YOU HAVE AND LOOK HOW EVERYONE ALWAYS REPLIES TO YOU LOOK HOW EVERYONE APRECIATES AND LOVES YOU THAT MEANS THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON AND THAT WE WANT YOU ALIVE. Im saying it one more time IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD BELIEVE ME AND PUT THE KNIFE AWAY NOW!!!!!!

Edited July 11, 2019 by Peefreak99

[hold_on 133]

Please don't do it.

[Pissdrinker 874]

20 minutes ago, mickymoist said:

Just those evening you were mentioned in the cuddle a forum member thread by @Pissdrinker people do care Raven xx

Please don’t go Raven - at least take time to think about leaving. You have people here you can talk to.

[Kylenut2 254]

There are alot of ppl here who care about you greatly, even if you dont believe it... it's TRUE. No one likes you becuase of anything other than who you are. 

[Brutus 2,206]

@Riley I hope you are still there reading replies. What you believe about yourself is WRONG. I've had problems with believing myself to be a burden to people as well and I realized that it was my own negative mind. Whatever hell you are going through right now is temporary. It will pass. The people around you that are making you feel this way are not seeing what a gift you are. Listen to everyone here. You are an intelligent and wonderful person and the beauty of who you are shines when you post here. You are the kind of woman that most men want to love, but can't find. You can overcome your insecurities and struggles and we can help you. You have so much to give to the world and we've all seen a peak of that here. Talk to us. If you are still there, please reply. Say something.

[speedy3471 10,655]

Raven please don't do go. I know it seems like the hell you're going through will not end, it will believe me. There are many many people here that care for you, they will talk to you if you need them to. 

I've never felt the way to do so I can't say I know the feeling. I do know that talking to someone will help, whether people here or other loved ones in your life. Please reach out to someone

Edited July 12, 2019 by speedy3471

[Riley 13,064]

I didn't do it..

I don't know why I didn't. Whether it was a fear of what I would do to people here or a fear of the other side. I don't know

Part of me feels like a coward. Like I wasn't brave enough to do it. 

I'm currently laying in the grass in the park just staring at the sky. There's a light breeze flowing through my hair and a smell of freshly mowed grass. I'm listening to the song wait for it from Hamilton. Part of me is glad that I'm able to experience this, while the other feels like this is stolen time that I don't deserve. 

I'm sorry I dragged everyone into this. You all don't deserve to have to deal with my issues and I'm really sorry. But thank you for the kind words. 

While laying here. It does make me realize how beautiful the world is

 

 

[Brutus 2,206]

1 hour ago, Riley said:

I didn't do it..

I don't know why I didn't. Whether it was a fear of what I would do to people here or a fear of the other side. I don't know

Part of me feels like a coward. Like I wasn't brave enough to do it. 

I'm currently laying in the grass in the park just staring at the sky. There's a light breeze flowing through my hair and a smell of freshly mowed grass. I'm listening to the song wait for it from Hamilton. Part of me is glad that I'm able to experience this, while the other feels like this is stolen time that I don't deserve. 

I'm sorry I dragged everyone into this. You all don't deserve to have to deal with my issues and I'm really sorry. But thank you for the kind words. 

While laying here. It does make me realize how beautiful the world is

 

 

Riley, seeing you still here brightened my evening just now. I was thinking about you. I sent you a pm earlier and hope we can talk more. And I hope you'll stick around and let us all help you see in yourself what we see in you.

[DXR 834]

2 hours ago, Riley said:

While laying here. It does make me realize how beautiful the world is

Part of that beauty is having you in it.  It would be less beautiful without you.   And my life would be sadder (which isn't something I need right now).

[will64 6,333]

Raven Blackinksoul30 REALLY does care about you the the other people and me on this site do aswell and please don't do it if you want to talk about feel free to PM  i'll listen 🤗

[Peefreak99 3,722]

7 hours ago, Riley said:

I didn't do it..

I don't know why I didn't. Whether it was a fear of what I would do to people here or a fear of the other side. I don't know

Part of me feels like a coward. Like I wasn't brave enough to do it. 

I'm currently laying in the grass in the park just staring at the sky. There's a light breeze flowing through my hair and a smell of freshly mowed grass. I'm listening to the song wait for it from Hamilton. Part of me is glad that I'm able to experience this, while the other feels like this is stolen time that I don't deserve. 

I'm sorry I dragged everyone into this. You all don't deserve to have to deal with my issues and I'm really sorry. But thank you for the kind words. 

While laying here. It does make me realize how beautiful the world is

 

 

Riley you are not a coward it just means that you are NOT broken enough and isin't that good? If we didin't care for you do you think we would even try to save you then? Go get help now❤

[steamlover6 751]

Raven,

PLEASE DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING!!  Please be sharply aware of how much we all love you here, you have been an exciting inspiration to us all in so many ways and having you with us FOR EVER is so, so important. Knowing you as we do I'm sure you have other beautiful friends around you too. If I were alongside you now I would give you all the support you need to lift your spirits, and to keep you on the straight path through life, in the important company of loved ones, of which you have so many here. The messages of support here just confirm that to you, beyond any doubt. Lift your spirits and become grateful for the blessed gift of life.

[Pissdrinker 874]

Oh wow. 

Re-read (or properly read) the OP and only now have realized Raven wasn’t  just thinking of leaving the forum. Please find someone to talk to IRL - but here is good too

My 20s were a mess - and now I’ve never been happier. Things can change. Here if you need to talk. 

[Admin 14,791]

11 hours ago, Riley said:

It does make me realize how beautiful the world is

Very glad that you have reached this conclusion Raven. We are all here for you, and hopefully the flood of messages in such a short time shows just how much everyone does care about you. You are loved here and please don't ever think otherwise. I know it's impossible to see right now, but the feelings you were having are temporary, so please please do talk to someone who can fully help you through this.  

Also, a sincerely huge thank you for everyone's kindness in this thread. It is yet another reminder that this is not just a pee site, but a community of incredible people. ❤️ 

[HammerheadPilot 1,008]

@Riley I’m not qualified in any way to help, but I can tell you as someone who’s been there....don’t give in.   Don’t.  Checking out is not the answer.   I’ll follow suit and offer an ear in any platform you’d like if you need a listener.   I’m sure I’m not the only one here who’s been there and fought that evil back.   You can, too.   You already have.   Continue to fight and KNOW that you don’t have to do it alone.   I’d be willing to bet that on this site alone, there would be people available to listen around the clock.   I’m not sure where you are, but I’m up almost every night all night US Central time.  Message me any time.   Or Kik (HammerheadPilot). or Discord HammerheadPilot#4050) . Or Snapchat (Also HammerheadPilot).      

[gldenwetgoose 21,500]

13 hours ago, Riley said:

You all don't deserve to have to deal with my issues and I'm really sorry. But thank you for the kind words. 

While laying here. It does make me realize how beautiful the world is

 

 

@Riley - ok, so I'm about 18 hours late - but going to contribute anyway.

We DO deserve to deal with the issues that you, or any other member may be experiencing - it comes with being part of this community.  We look out for each other.  In your earlier post you mentioned pretending to be happy for the sake of the community - you don't have to do that, and to your honesty of telling us you're hurting is more valued than any false smile.

All the people who have commented care deeply, even though we cannot claim to know you closely.  You bring an amazing contribution to the forum which we love, but more than that we all believe you're a very special person.  We don't see what you see in the mirror, the same as every person in the street probably doesn't see you the way you think about yourself.  We can't wave a magic wand and tell you everything will be ok - but we can share our own experiences of there always being some light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it may seem.  There are many people who do understand the feelings you have - you'll notice nobody has glibly told you to 'cheer up' or 'snap out of it' because they / we do understand and do feel it with you.

As many people have said, please keep in touch, please do keep looking for the light, please chat with people who can help you.

xxx S. 

[WantonLee 861]

23 hours ago, Riley said:

(...)

I walk through my life every day hating everything about myself. My height, my voice, my well a lot of things. Things that plague me every time I move, look in the mirror, and see other people. Emotionally I'm more of a mess than anything I can think of. I say stupid things and I just feel like everything about me is wrong. It's hard to put into words. 

(...)

What wrong with your height?

To tall? Not tall enough?

How does this matter?

I am of no help here, because this questions smells a lot like the question "Darling, do you think I've gotten to fat?" to me.

 A question I tend to answer with "To fat for what?" - because I tend to hear this question as "Darling, do you still love me although I took on some wight?"

(I think this is one of the many reasons why I am single atm... :P)

 

Whats wrong with your voice?

I do not know a single person that likes his/her own voice, including me.

 

You say stupid things. According to whom?

Well, I say a lot of stupid things... according to me.

I just googled "how to stop saying stupid things", because I wanted to know what other people say about that, and it is worth pointing out that there are about 140 million hits for this phrase.

Looks like we are not the only ones with this problem... . 😛

Besides, if you realize you are saying stupid things, you are already ahead of the people that say stupid things WITHOUT thinking it was stupid.

 

I do not know whats your place in this world, if there is one; I mean one other then the place we choose.

I do not know my own place in this world, if it's any comfort to you.

But what I _DO_ know is that you should not listen to what other people think you should or shouldn't do (this includes, for the sake of argument, wheter you should end your life or not).

Other people might give you insights into a problem, or allow you to see a problem from a different angle.

But they can't tell you what to do. You have to figure that out for yourself.

When confronted with a problem I tend to gather as much information about it as possible, then sleep over it and listen to my gut feelings.

Provided that I - to start with -  gave them enough information to "digest", they are usually of great assistance to me when I have to make a decision.

 

Oh, and about suicide in general:

I have postponed my own suicde years ago for the simple reason that I did not run out of things I want to do;things that I enjoy.

I helps ro remember that all the other humans in the world are not you friends (with veeeeeeery few exceptions), and you do not owe them anything.

You do not even need to listen to them (including me), especially if they say something to you that is not helpful to you.

Just do not give a $hit about other people... and you will be fine! 😄

[spywareonya 37,962]

@Riley

 

I am not gonna cuddle you

I am just gonna spit the truth right in your face

 

What plagues the world is superficiality

People like you are the cure

Kill yourself and you betray Humanity

We need your sensitivity, your pain, and when you will have conquered it and become happy, we will need your story as a light for Others less ahead in their path, and we will also need your happiness

 

Stop (this is no cuddle, this is an order) considering yourself a problem and start to understand that the problem is the Invisible Hub of Silence I Always speak about, the one which keeps people apart

It's the great depression, the invisible disgust, the subtle feeling of lacking of meaning and context in life

It plagues us but it's not our fault, is a consequence of humanity's past clumsy choices and now is almost a living evil being

It's ALIENATION, normality as a nazi stencil to fit through or be discarded by Society

Sensitive and painful people like you are the cure

This is no cuddle: this is a call to arms

Take your fucking responsibility Riley: the responsibility to understand that the world needs you in order to become less shallow

 

Fight, my brave fighter: we will Always be your shield, your sword, and the vigour of your arms

Edited July 14, 2019 by spywareonya

[steve25805 126,156]

On 7/12/2019 at 4:00 AM, Riley said:

Part of me feels like a coward. Like I wasn't brave enough to do it. 

Believe me I know exactly how you feel.

Out of respect for you and all you bring to this forum, I am going to share something I don't think I have ever shared here before. Yes I have anxiety issues. But a long time ago before it morphed into anxiety and I was going through a real shit time in life I was experiencing real depression. I know what it feels like to experience such sadness and despair that I can spend literally an entire day sobbing. I know what it feels like to walk three miles to the high bridge over the local river with the intention of jumping off, and when I get there to stare over the edge into the abyss for long moments. Yet not having the bottle. Feeling like a coward. And crying in both despair and frustration and self-loathing as I walk away from that bridge.

These memories are real and raw and the feelings derived from them heartfelt. Because you are not a coward to choose to live. When everything looks shit, soldiering on is actually the brave thing. Not making that cut is the brave thing. Something else life has taught me in all the years since then, however shit life is, however hopeless it all appears, things do tend to work out for the better in the end, even if you cannot see how at the time. Life is shit sometimes but it is for living. And you have friends here.

Trust me in this. Whatever issues you are facing in life, we are your friends and support group. We will not let you down. You can trust us with anything. And if anyone fails in that it will be they who we crack down on, not you.

Never think the unthinkable. Things will get better even if you cannot see how right now. You will be happy if you let yourself live to experience it. Don't give up. You are a brave survivor who has stared into the abyss but found the courage to soldier on. It might not have felt like bravery at the time. But eventually you will recognise it as such.

[Peefreak99 3,722]

See all this riley? If you were worthless do you think that so many would try to help you and actually open up their hearts and tell secret things like steve did? All this is proof that you are valued very high. And that we all care that means that you are a great person that we all love and you know what thìs might sound weird since i don't know you at all. But if we knew eachotter irl i would ask you out you have a great personality and i really want you to be happy❤.