Thank You All - My Bridge Under Troubled Waters

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

According to the homepage there are currently nearly 25,000 members.  Of that maybe a hundred or so who contribute regularly, and a handful who I interact with on a regular basis. That handful are people I've never met and may never meet, but seem to have interests which align so closely with my own reasons for being here.

The reason for this post is to say a huge and very heartfelt thank you to those particular folks (I won't embarrass anyone - but if you interact with me then it's you!!!) and also of course Admins and the wider sphere of contributors.  THANK YOU for just doing what you do...

You see last week, one normal evening - sitting down eating tea with my wife, I got the phone call to say my Dad had suddenly passed away and how soon could I be there.  No mean feat when he lived in a mid-Spain village, 1500 miles from me in Northern England. Three am the next morning I was en route to the airport, a flight then 3-4 hours driving a hire car to reach his village. My world was literally turned upside down - meeting with the local police, morgue, funeral arrangements and starting proceedings with his solicitor. Fortunately a few people who speak very good English. My Spanish is improving quickly.  I've now been back at home for most of this week, but out there again tomorrow for four days.

I'll be totally honest, most of what I've been doing has been mechanical, going through processes that need to be done, one step at a time. Some of it has been horrific - and will continue to be. The circumstances around his death weren't the best. There have been glimmers of humanity and warmth through it, enough to make me feel like I wasn't totally and utterly alone.

So - why am I sharing this with a bunch of strangers....?   Not for sympathy - as kind though people are and as much as I appreciate the sentiments, that's not my reason for posting.  I don't think I was too irate with anyone, if anything this has made me feel calmer and more aware how little trivial things matter.

No, instead I'm writing it to thank you all for being such a wonderful community.  There's at least two people I was DM'ing whilst I was out there last week. I alluded to having a bad week, but wasn't ready to go into details. Instead, they without trying and without even knowing did far more for me than ever they would realise.  How could I think about this fetish at such a dark time?  Well, I guess it was a survival mechanism.  During the days, I was almost on autopilot - where do I need to be, what do I need to do next, what time to I need to be there.  Outside those hours, sitting in a restaurant alone being able to browse the site, lay awake at night when everyone at home was sleeping - chatting with someone awake in America or looking at someone's desperately trying to be a big girl in an alleyway - those aspects made me feel grounded and still alive, slightly less numb.

So thank you.  Remember when you post, there's someone on the other end of the internet to appreciate it - you may never know how much, you may never realise - but you've probably helped someone through something dark.

 

This is the first time I've had more than five minutes chance to jump online - and probably the first chance I've been ready to say it all.

Tomorrow I'm back on a plane for another few days in a remote village hotel.  I always welcome your DM's, don't worry about being sympathetic - I never know what to say either - be naughty, be yourself, be your online persona - just keep me in touch with the real (wet) world....

Thank you for being you!!!

[Admin 14,352]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Really hope you are ok, and remember we are certainly always here whenever you want to chat (pee related or otherwise). 

[Sophie 23,043]

I am so sorry to hear the news..

Like Admin said, we are always here for you. We're a family. If you need an ear to vent, we are right here. If you want to talk about random things, we are right here. If there's anything we can do to help, we are right here. 

Sending massive hugs. 

 

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

Thanks @Admin & @Sophie - I knew that and it really helps. One day at a time....

[speedy3471 10,627]

Iam very sorry to hear of your dad's sudden passing. A big hug to you and your family

[will64 5,894]

Very sorry about your dad's passing hug 

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

Thanks so much @will64 & @speedy3471 - it means a lot. 

[speedy3471 10,627]

6 hours ago, gldenwetgoose said:

Thanks so much @will64 & @speedy3471 - it means a lot. 

Your very welcome

[Sweets 4,504]

❤️❤️❤️  

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

1 hour ago, cheekyfe11a said:

So sorry to hear the very sad and sudden news about your dad @gldenwetgoose wishing you all the best during the coming days and weeks 

That's very much appreciated - many thanks.  Things are moving forwards one step at a time and I'm ok - thank you again.

 

[Peefreak99 3,703]

Im sorry for your loss. But trust me he is still there only difference is that you can't see him. And we all like you a lot too you have a place here and without you there would be a empty place... same goes for all great contributors merry christmas everyone

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

Thanks @Peefreak99 - that means an awful lot. I haven’t done much crying - lots of getting on with practical necessary stuff, a bit of throwing stuff and a little bit of crying. Comments like yours are likely to redress that balance. 
Thank you. 

[oliver2 3,899]

16 hours ago, gldenwetgoose said:

Thanks @Peefreak99 - that means an awful lot. I haven’t done much crying - lots of getting on with practical necessary stuff, a bit of throwing stuff and a little bit of crying. Comments like yours are likely to redress that balance. 
Thank you. 

My condolences. I’m posting to share what a family member said to me last time one of our relatives passed away: grief is unpredictable. You might sob and howl immediately, or later, or never. How you react is personal and idiosyncratic, and you have to grieve in your own way, at your own pace. O

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

Hi all - quick follow up on my previous....    

Big thanks especially to @Admin @Sophie @speedy3471 @will64 @Sweets @cheekyfe11a @oliver2 & @Peefreak99 for the messages above, plus everyone else who reacted - it really did help more than you'd know.

I wrote the original post just over a week after I'd found out my father had died, I'd had a chaotic few days in Spain starting to deal with things. Since then I had the second trip out there for four days, then a quiet close family Christmas and a visit a couple of weeks ago to sprinkle Dad's ashes.

On a practical level, my dad's Spanish solicitor/accountant is executor and is getting all of that side of things sorted. As an only child and given his Spanish will some of that is made simpler, and in a week's time I'm out there again for the next steps of paperwork.  I'm also on each visit working through the house, sorting out the junk he's accumulated, cleaning, clearing and the like. It's going to take months I think before the house and car are legally in my name, but in the interim I've of course got to look after the place. So far I've been out there three times and looking forwards I've got my flights booked until the middle of the year...

Emotionally, I'm coping - sometimes fine, other times less so - but coping.  Some of the things that I thought would bring the darkest clouds have had unexpected glimmers of sunlight. On the second visit, I flew very early from Manchester and then had a three hour drive to the house. Met a Spanish cleaner who'd been booked, dealing with all of that, so by evening time I was shattered. I was in a hotel at that point and at the bar, staring gloomily into the bottom of my wine glass, discovered the two Spanish guys next to me at the bar were the firefighters who'd entered the house to recover my dad. There were tears.

Mostly all is fine. I've found myself with a much stronger 'oh well, no point worrying' attitude to things outside my control - and at the same time perhaps more irritable when people do avoidably stupid things.  If that makes sense....    If you make a mistake you're easily forgiven - but if you act like an idiot I may not have so much patience.

 

So - my dear friends, thanks again for all your thoughts, messages and support.  All is well - if I'm having a down day it will be temporary, I'll be back.  Meanwhile I'd better start planning the house party......   two floors of tiled ceramic floors to go at...

[Sweets 4,504]

30 minutes ago, gldenwetgoose said:

Hi all - quick follow up on my previous....    

Big thanks especially to @Admin @Sophie @speedy3471 @will64 @Sweets @cheekyfe11a @oliver2 & @Peefreak99 for the messages above, plus everyone else who reacted - it really did help more than you'd know.

I wrote the original post just over a week after I'd found out my father had died, I'd had a chaotic few days in Spain starting to deal with things. Since then I had the second trip out there for four days, then a quiet close family Christmas and a visit a couple of weeks ago to sprinkle Dad's ashes.

On a practical level, my dad's Spanish solicitor/accountant is executor and is getting all of that side of things sorted. As an only child and given his Spanish will some of that is made simpler, and in a week's time I'm out there again for the next steps of paperwork.  I'm also on each visit working through the house, sorting out the junk he's accumulated, cleaning, clearing and the like. It's going to take months I think before the house and car are legally in my name, but in the interim I've of course got to look after the place. So far I've been out there three times and looking forwards I've got my flights booked until the middle of the year...

Emotionally, I'm coping - sometimes fine, other times less so - but coping.  Some of the things that I thought would bring the darkest clouds have had unexpected glimmers of sunlight. On the second visit, I flew very early from Manchester and then had a three hour drive to the house. Met a Spanish cleaner who'd been booked, dealing with all of that, so by evening time I was shattered. I was in a hotel at that point and at the bar, staring gloomily into the bottom of my wine glass, discovered the two Spanish guys next to me at the bar were the firefighters who'd entered the house to recover my dad. There were tears.

Mostly all is fine. I've found myself with a much stronger 'oh well, no point worrying' attitude to things outside my control - and at the same time perhaps more irritable when people do avoidably stupid things.  If that makes sense....    If you make a mistake you're easily forgiven - but if you act like an idiot I may not have so much patience.

 

So - my dear friends, thanks again for all your thoughts, messages and support.  All is well - if I'm having a down day it will be temporary, I'll be back.  Meanwhile I'd better start planning the house party......   two floors of tiled ceramic floors to go at...

You know I’m alway popping in and out of here. So if u need a chat u know where to find me.  If u do get Skype I’m easier to reach that way.   I alway try to answer unless I’m asleep.  I never know what to say in times like this because words really don’t make u feel better. I hope things get easier for you as time passes.  ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Sophie 23,043]

Like I said before I'm not very good with these things but if there is anything I can do to help I'm only a message away x

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

Thanks Guys - know exactly what you mean about the ‘right’ words.  But tbh don’t worry, just hearing from you all is fine.

If I’m having a down day it’s probably because either I’m thinking about things too deeply, or perhaps some of the bureaucracy is getting me down. Either way an easy solution is just giving me something else to focus on. If all else fails,  I’m sure this site will inspire something 😉

 

[Sophie 23,043]

I could always shake my tits at you. 

[Peefreak99 3,703]

You are a strong man i can see that. And well i don't really know what to say, but if there is anything you need just tell me. And honestly i am impressed by the strength that you show you have recovered very good and your reactions also show strength.❤

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

2 hours ago, Peefreak99 said:

You are a strong man i can see that. And well i don't really know what to say, but if there is anything you need just tell me. And honestly i am impressed by the strength that you show you have recovered very good and your reactions also show strength.❤

Thank you - I don't always feel that strong.  It's a small town where my Dad lived, and there's people there who've made me so welcome in a couple of visits, it proves there's good to be found in each situation.

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

What a difference a year makes...  and sometimes doesn't make.

Was just thinking about this thread after a chat with a friend this morning - comments about Christmas being a tough time.  It's now just over twelve months since my original post, since that phone call...  and back when I wrote this who could have foreseen the impact 2020 could have had.

Everything works for a reason - getting the phone call in early December 2019 threw a huge curved ball into my life - suddenly I was commuting between two different worlds, literally. During those early trips everything was very raw and everything was numb too. It could have been easy to be overwhelmed, to be angry, to be annoyed with the situation, the circumstances and the problems my father had left me with.  Somehow though all felt peaceful. I found myself with two complementary feelings - on the one hand that there's no point being angry when something accidentally works against you.  Miss a bus... there'll be another, enjoy the time to relax. Burn the dinner, never mind, you know for next time.  On the other hand I found myself less forgiving of genuine idiotic actions and more likely to stand up and speak out. Someone pushing into a queue, taking advantage of a third person, that sort of thing.  

When I was out in Spain every few weeks in early 2020 there was the spectre of Brexit to complicate inheritance and tax, but nobody foresaw closing borders like we've had. When everything locked down it meant that not only did I have to put on hold the house clearance but also the legal wheels around inheritance all ground to a halt. They're still turning slowly and inch by inch things are coming together - after more than a year.

There are things that are bothering me...   the fact that the house has been empty since last time I was able to be there in July. The fact that restrictions are tighter now than two months ago when I nearly got there, the fact I've got possessions there I want to bring home, the fact I now have friends there - the restauranteur my Dad used to visit every week, the bar my parents used to visit from time to time - the fact that covid has all of that in limbo.

But that said, the timing of things meant I had three months of being able to make headway, time when travel was relatively easy. Time not only to deal with the mess, but time to enjoy and become at peace directly (rather than locked down 1500 miles away).

Anyway - don't get the impression I'm feeling sorry for myself. What I'm doing is saying that you my friends were there without even knowing it. I'm always ready to repay that debt - when you need somebody to listen to you.

That and when this is closer to being over, I'd love nothing more than host a huge long weekend party for my very closest dear friends!   Here's to friends!!!    Cheers all.

[Kupar 12,381]

On 12/26/2020 at 11:27 AM, gldenwetgoose said:

What a difference a year makes...  and sometimes doesn't make.

Was just thinking about this thread after a chat with a friend this morning - comments about Christmas being a tough time.  It's now just over twelve months since my original post, since that phone call...  and back when I wrote this who could have foreseen the impact 2020 could have had.

Everything works for a reason - getting the phone call in early December 2019 threw a huge curved ball into my life - suddenly I was commuting between two different worlds, literally. During those early trips everything was very raw and everything was numb too. It could have been easy to be overwhelmed, to be angry, to be annoyed with the situation, the circumstances and the problems my father had left me with.  Somehow though all felt peaceful. I found myself with two complementary feelings - on the one hand that there's no point being angry when something accidentally works against you.  Miss a bus... there'll be another, enjoy the time to relax. Burn the dinner, never mind, you know for next time.  On the other hand I found myself less forgiving of genuine idiotic actions and more likely to stand up and speak out. Someone pushing into a queue, taking advantage of a third person, that sort of thing.  

When I was out in Spain every few weeks in early 2020 there was the spectre of Brexit to complicate inheritance and tax, but nobody foresaw closing borders like we've had. When everything locked down it meant that not only did I have to put on hold the house clearance but also the legal wheels around inheritance all ground to a halt. They're still turning slowly and inch by inch things are coming together - after more than a year.

There are things that are bothering me...   the fact that the house has been empty since last time I was able to be there in July. The fact that restrictions are tighter now than two months ago when I nearly got there, the fact I've got possessions there I want to bring home, the fact I now have friends there - the restauranteur my Dad used to visit every week, the bar my parents used to visit from time to time - the fact that covid has all of that in limbo.

But that said, the timing of things meant I had three months of being able to make headway, time when travel was relatively easy. Time not only to deal with the mess, but time to enjoy and become at peace directly (rather than locked down 1500 miles away).

Anyway - don't get the impression I'm feeling sorry for myself. What I'm doing is saying that you my friends were there without even knowing it. I'm always ready to repay that debt - when you need somebody to listen to you.

That and when this is closer to being over, I'd love nothing more than host a huge long weekend party for my very closest dear friends!   Here's to friends!!!    Cheers all.

I don't know why I have only just seen this @gldenwetgoose. Thanks as ever for your openness, honesty, good sense and friendship. Many of us here are privileged to know you.

[willinglywet 236]

i dont actually know what i should be saying but one fact that i know is the sorrow might be never gone but it will change its form while the time is passed. I just lost my dad about an year ago and he was really close to me, we have same hobbies and we spent much time together. I became so close to my dad as my mom died when i was very young, so he was the only one i could count on. I dont know what i really try to say but here is my story anyways.

[gldenwetgoose 20,247]

39 minutes ago, willinglywet said:

i dont actually know what i should be saying but one fact that i know is the sorrow might be never gone but it will change its form while the time is passed. I just lost my dad about an year ago and he was really close to me, we have same hobbies and we spent much time together. I became so close to my dad as my mom died when i was very young, so he was the only one i could count on. I dont know what i really try to say but here is my story anyways.

Huge hugs back to you - I know exactly what you mean and you have my thoughts with you.