Asexual marriage

[Simpfan4 173]

If you got married and intended it to include sexual relations with your spouse -- there were no indications during the relationship that would have warned you otherwise -- and suddenly learned that your spouse had no intention of ever having a sexual relationship with you, would that be a deal breaker for you? I know that the chromosomal abnormality he was born with places limits on his ability to become aroused, but I was hoping we would work through it, that he would keep taking the prescribed testosterone shots, and that we would function somewhat normally eventually. But that hasn't been the case. I have no intention of leaving him, this is my third marriage, and aside from that, we get along great. But having cancer sucks and this chemo has been so rough on me. I wouldn't even have been able to get it except for my husband's health insurance. I lost all my hair and depression has really been kicking me. I feel rejected and a burden. I just need to feel completely loved, even as I don't feel completely whole. I'm glad it wasn't breast cancer, because that would have me completely devastated. I'm getting better physically but I'm an emotional wreck right now. 

[Adyguy6970 813]

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.  My partner and I both have medical histories that would make it difficult to say the least and, at the age I'm at, my bits don't really work anyway.  There are other ways of showing someone you love them.  If I were to marry it would be for companionship.  

[Adyguy6970 813]

Having read what you said in more detail, I'm very sorry to hear that you've had the health problems that you've described.  What I would say is that there are different ways of letting people know that you love them.  Full intercourse might not be possible, but hugs and kisses are perfectly possible and valid as a way of expressing love. 

[Simpfan4 173]

I think it's harder because I have always enjoyed consensual sex and experienced a great amount of pleasure quite easily, whether or not there was intercourse. I'm talking about when someone pushes your hand away from them when you're trying to be affectionate, saying it feels weird because they've never experienced it before. I never had any problems arousing a man before, including him, before we were married. But now, he perceives all sex, even married sex, as sinful. So I can't help thinking the problem is more psychological than sexual. I told him there are ways he can touch me that would feel really good, but he wasn't interested. I am older than him (67/62) and still going through menopause, as well as cancer treatment, and I am the one with desire, which he thinks is weird.

Edited July 16, 2023 by Simpfan4
Autocorrect capitalized intercourse.

[Remi 949]

Some will get little hints though if that doesn't work after a certain time the head on approach is needed to really let them know that something needs to change for the sake of your well being. Maybe tell him directly what you need and how that would make you feel better if that hasn't been done yet. Being blunt and honest about it. If he learns that this is an actual burden for you and how those affections would make everything better for you in many ways not just on a sexual level, he will maybe find his way into it again. Maybe he just needs to learn that those affections you wish for are not only a sexual thing but that they make you feel loved, that they make you feel more whole and that they would raise your mood and overall well being significantly. 

I'm wishing you all the best with everything, especially health wise, and i hope things in your relationship will turn out good.

 

 

[Simpfan4 173]

I am tactfully blunt; I make my needs known. I told him this stuff already, I bought books for us to read, I offered suggestions. He was born with Kleinfelters Syndrome, which is an extra X chromosome. When I met him back in 1985, he hadn't gotten medical treatment for it yet and had a high-pitched voice and no facial hair. Now he's a bearded biker with a deeper voice, but he doesn't like taking the doctor prescribed testosterone injections because they enlarge his prostate. Even so, he's supposed to be taking them twice a month, but he's been skipping them so that he isn't even taking them every month. It's more than just about getting an erection; it's about the mood swings he gets when he doesn't take the shots. I wish he wouldn't neglect his health. He's diligent about my cancer treatments. I just want him to be around longer, and to get along with him the best that I can. When I first considered marrying him, I was worried about his health because he had a heart attack 7 years ago, and he's piled the weight back on since then. I lost weight from the cancer and the chemo made me sick. Plus we're struggling with the financial burden of cancer, mainly the fuel and hotel costs when they schedule my appointments. It's a 4-hour drive each way. 

[Simpfan4 173]

He tells me I don't look so bad without hair. It was supposed to be reassuring, but it was another occasion for me to tear up inside. I don't feel desirable anymore. I could turn him on before the cancer. It's him but I take on the unnecessary burden of assuming it's me.

[Bacardi 9,170]

I am the asexual person in my relationship, and while I cant speak for your partner, I can add details of my experience. 

My last pregnancy was rough. It was a c section with a labor that lasted well over 24 hours. This is what I partially blame my asexuality on, plus other outside factors such as my depression, the fact that I have kids that tend to suck the energy out of me every single day, and the fact that often my husband works late. I am also a CSA survivor. Yes we do have sex, but I find I don't enjoy it. Any of it. Oral/penetrative/anything involving my nether regions that isn't me getting myself off. I just don't enjoy it like I used to. Well, really, I've never enjoyed penis-in-vagina sex, but that's beside the point. I still do it every so often to make my husband happy, but that's just it. To make him happy. It does nothing for me therefore I don't seek it out. Thus, I choose to label myself as asexual. 

This is where I have to emphasize once again that these are my feelings and I cannot speak for your partner. This might not be how they feel, but this is how I feel as the asexual partner in my marriage. I feel tons and tons of guilt on my shoulders. Every single day. I know my husband didn't sign up for this, and I know he misses the first few months of our relationship when we were having sex literally all day every day. I cant give that to him anymore, and therefore I feel bad. I've even offered to open our marriage so that he could find a woman to satisfy him more often but he declined and said he is committed to me. 

I am certain there are men out there that would have let both me and my children by now if they were in his position, but he hasn't left me yet, which I am grateful for. It's obviously not a deal breaker for me, and neither is it for my husband either. 

I would say do you. I have other outlets for sex in the form of porn, masturbation, and this very forum. I can confidently say I get what little sexual needs I have met with those three things, and I have my husband to fulfill everything else. He has his sexual outlets too and I've never stopped him from enjoying them. Remember that you are one half of the equation in your relationship too. I'm not condoning stepping out on him of course, but just as I've found a way to keep myself satisfied so has my husband with things that are adjacent to sex. We are both happily married for nearly ten years. 

[Maclir 941]

The last 7 years of my previous marriage were asexual, because of my wife's health issues.  That was okay by me, when she and I got married, there was the vow 'in sickness and in health" - if you love someone only when everything is going great, what does that say about you?  Now, I find that I'm the one in my current marriage that tends not to want sex all that much - put it down to an enlarge prostate, treatment for prostate cancer, and I have difficulty getting and maintaining an erection.  Getting old sucks... big time.

Does my experiences match yours, or anyone else's here?  Probably not.   I don't have any concrete advice for you, I can't imagine how I would react if I was in your situation.  Hang in there, and (believe it or not), there is so much more to a happy marriage than regular sex.

[A_AShes 468]

11 minutes ago, Maclir said:

Does my experiences match yours, or anyone else's here?  Probably not

You are not alone @Maclir.. It is always a choice to stay in Love or leave for sex...Even if all works tip top...

[pguy2981 931]

My wife is more so on the asexual side than me. 10 years ago I would have told you no, but now as I have grown (and so has my libido proportionally), I would leave that person. My wife has issues with her hormones, which throws her libido and her ability to have sex comfortably just completely out of whack. I don't blame her for it, but we haven't decent sex in almost a year now. When we were younger, we were on each other like animals and I miss that as I am still young and arguably more comfortable with sex now than I have ever been. I want the ability to be myself with someone, even if that context doesn't include a relationship. If I were you, I would put the idea of having an open relationship discussion on the table. Nothing has stopped me from caring about my wife, but I also really like sex. I don't NEED it by any means, but I like having it and I like having it with people who actively want it.

[Simpfan4 173]

24 minutes ago, A_AShes said:

You are not alone @Maclir.. It is always a choice to stay in Love or leave for sex...Even if all works tip top...

I wouldn't leave him or cheat on him. This is my third marriage and I want it to work. The other two were to extremely abusive men. I have survived CSA and rape as an adult. But I worked through that. I was trafficked into prostitution in my early 20s. But I escaped and healed. I told him the other day that I wouldn't leave him because of this, but if he had planned all along to remain a virgin throughout our marriage, he should have been honest with me about it. He had a TURP procedure that whittled away part of his prostate and his erections are much weaker than before. We courted for 14 years and never had intercourse nor oral in all that time. We were celibate but had seen each other naked. That was as far as it had gone. He doesn't know much about sex, and I don't mean that as a put down. But when he suggested trying to insert without an erection, I told him that would be painful for both of us. That it's not totally about impotency. That I just need to feel totally loved, and this cancer makes me feel ugly. But when he physically shoves me away because I wanted him, I don't feel loved or desired.

[Simpfan4 173]

Thanks to all who responded. This isn't an easy topic for me to admit to. I can't turn on my guy, and everywhere we are, other women are hitting on him. And he keeps telling me about it because he thinks it's amusing. And I'm thinking, "Little do they know... "

[Kupar 12,480]

I really feel for you @Simpfan4. Any level of sexual mismatch in a loving and committed relationship is hard to deal with, and yours is a tough one. You must be extraordinarily strong to have come through all that you have experienced. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I have experienced the pushing away thing and the lack of physical intimacy that I craved. In my case we addressed it with the help of an external counsellor, but I can understand that your position is very different from mine, so I will just say that I am hugely sympathetic to your situation and I hope you manage to find a way through it 💗 

[LovesToWet 3,437]

It's not a deal breaker for me. My wife has many health issue which have drastically effected our sex life. I've kinda got used to it now and have turned to self pleasure. 

[Simpfan4 173]

On 7/16/2023 at 9:41 AM, Kupar said:

I really feel for you @Simpfan4. Any level of sexual mismatch in a loving and committed relationship is hard to deal with, and yours is a tough one. You must be extraordinarily strong to have come through all that you have experienced. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I have experienced the pushing away thing and the lack of physical intimacy that I craved. In my case we addressed it with the help of an external counsellor, but I can understand that your position is very different from mine, so I will just say that I am hugely sympathetic to your situation and I hope you manage to find a way through it 💗 

I hope so too. It definitely doesn't help the major depression, but neither does the cancer. After years of having men compliment my sexual abilities, I get shot down by someone I'm deeply in love with. I'm not really seeking advice as much as an outlet to vent. Thanks for listening and being my friend. I never planned to return to this site, but as for the "best-laid plans of mice and men..." It isn't strength I have as much as faith. I'm determined to make this marriage work.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Simpfan4

[Simpfan4 173]

On 7/16/2023 at 7:04 AM, Bacardi said:

I am the asexual person in my relationship, and while I cant speak for your partner, I can add details of my experience. 

My last pregnancy was rough. It was a c section with a labor that lasted well over 24 hours. This is what I partially blame my asexuality on, plus other outside factors such as my depression, the fact that I have kids that tend to suck the energy out of me every single day, and the fact that often my husband works late. I am also a CSA survivor. Yes we do have sex, but I find I don't enjoy it. Any of it. Oral/penetrative/anything involving my nether regions that isn't me getting myself off. I just don't enjoy it like I used to. Well, really, I've never enjoyed penis-in-vagina sex, but that's beside the point. I still do it every so often to make my husband happy, but that's just it. To make him happy. It does nothing for me therefore I don't seek it out. Thus, I choose to label myself as asexual. 

This is where I have to emphasize once again that these are my feelings and I cannot speak for your partner. This might not be how they feel, but this is how I feel as the asexual partner in my marriage. I feel tons and tons of guilt on my shoulders. Every single day. I know my husband didn't sign up for this, and I know he misses the first few months of our relationship when we were having sex literally all day every day. I cant give that to him anymore, and therefore I feel bad. I've even offered to open our marriage so that he could find a woman to satisfy him more often but he declined and said he is committed to me. 

I am certain there are men out there that would have let both me and my children by now if they were in his position, but he hasn't left me yet, which I am grateful for. It's obviously not a deal breaker for me, and neither is it for my husband either. 

I would say do you. I have other outlets for sex in the form of porn, masturbation, and this very forum. I can confidently say I get what little sexual needs I have met with those three things, and I have my husband to fulfill everything else. He has his sexual outlets too and I've never stopped him from enjoying them. Remember that you are one half of the equation in your relationship too. I'm not condoning stepping out on him of course, but just as I've found a way to keep myself satisfied so has my husband with things that are adjacent to sex. We are both happily married for nearly ten years. 

I am one of the rare women who easily experiences orgasm, whether clitoral, vaginal, or from g-spot stimulation. I might also have the condition where frequent arousal is considered a disorder. Not sure. Sex is absolutely not a 100% priority, as we courted for 14 years without having it, and I was celibate 4 years before ever dating him. So it's been 18 years since I had it. I like having sex. (I already know that he will never give me oral, and there have only been two men in my lifetime who ever made me climax from cunnilingus, one in 1980 and the other in 1997). I would like to have any type of intimate pleasure with my husband. I just feel despondent that he doesn't want me.

[oliver2 3,899]

On 7/16/2023 at 9:25 AM, Simpfan4 said:

I am older than him (67/62) and still going through menopause, as well as cancer treatment, and I am the one with desire, which he thinks is weird.

Aw, man. Nature loves to be capricious in what it takes and what it leaves you with. I just hope your desire feels like a gift from God rather than a cosmic joke at your expense ❤️

Edited July 18, 2023 by oliver2

[Guest Wetling]

I don't think I could live without sex forever. I know love doesn't ask, but in that case I would expect it to be an open relationship. It was never something I was looking for but should I ever happen to fall in love with an asexual it would be that or nothing.

On 7/16/2023 at 2:04 PM, Bacardi said:

I am the asexual person in my relationship, and while I cant speak for your partner, I can add details of my experience.

Doesn't being asexual mean to not have any sex drive? That obviously isn't true for you, since you have sexual fantasies and orgasms. I want in no way dismiss your problems, but you're still a sexual being. You're even here, on a fetish board. What you describe sounds more like some sort of burnout. Don't feel bad for yourself, it's not your fault. 🤗

Edited July 18, 2023 by Wetling

[oliver2 3,899]

4 hours ago, Wetling said:

Doesn't being asexual mean to not have any sex drive? That obviously isn't true for you, since you have sexual fantasies and orgasms

Well, you might think that. As I understand it, opinions under the asexual flag differ a lot - certainly, public health people have taken to talking about “MSM” meaning “men who have sex with men” after talking to too many guys who said something along the lines of “No, no, I’m straight, obviously, but, y’know, dick! Of course I like dick in my mouth & my arse, that what’s dicks are for” (or similar). If you were played by Hugh Laurie, you might say “everybody lies”, but more (or less) misanthropic sentiments are available 🤷‍♂️

[Bacardi 9,170]

5 hours ago, Wetling said:

What you describe sounds more like some sort of burnout. Don't feel bad for yourself, it's not your fault. 🤗

No, I identify as asexual :) just because I'm a member of a fetish forum doesn't mean I experience sexual attraction. I'd also appreciate it if you didn't make anymore assumptions about me and my sex drive like this as it comes across as kinda intrusive. 

Thanks 💕

[Guest Wetling]

I would appreciate it if people would try to not take every mundane talk or question as intrusive, because it makes conversations very difficult. I have read many of your posts and got curious because it didn't match what I thought was meant by asexuality. You can explain what it means for you or not, but please don't asume hostile intentions whenever possible. I feel caged if I have to fear every word I say because someone could see it as offensive besides my best intentions. I'm not here to hurt anyone. This forum feels more like walking through a mine field every day.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Wetling

[D-K 153]

It sounds like your issues are more with intimacy than sex itself. You could try speaking to your husband about other ways you can be intimate, such as spooning, cuddling, kissing, etc. Not sure if it would help but it might be worth a try.