Attributes of a dating partner

[GenericUsername 1,036]

I’m considering trying to start dating for the first time. I’ve been thinking about how difficult it may be to find someone who is compatible with me. Life has not been kind to me and I’ve been holding off on dating because of bad circumstances. I’m stuck living with conservative parents while dealing with fibromyalgia. I previously didn’t date because of social problems caused by being on the autism spectrum and having unprocessed complex trauma from my teen years that made me a nervous wreck. I may appear a bit “odd” to some women. I have social awkwardness, stuttering, sensory issues, and unusual music tastes. It’s called neurodiversity when you have a brain that is wired a bit differently. I actually didn’t fully understand how different I am until this year at age 25. On the other hand, I now wear glasses that apparently make me a hot geek. At age 18, I decided that I’m a nudist and would prefer a partner who lives naked with me. At age 21, after a few years in denial, I decided that I love piss and that’s why you all are graced with my presence (it’s been a lovely 4 years on this site! Where did the time go?)

What order of importance would you place these attributes for a relationship?

* Kind and understanding 

* Personality match

* Physical attraction 

* Neurodiverse 

* Geeky

* Horny as fuck

* Loves piss

* Nudist

[Bacardi 9,126]

A little Mom friend Bacardi advice here lol.

I dont think it matters much about what we think, but rather what *you* think G Man. Every one has preferences and everyone deserves to be with someone they love and that loves them back. What it comes down to is how much are you willing to compromise, if anything, and how long you're willing to wait for the one. 

I'm always of the belief that personality is everything. I don't care about my husband's looks, his kinks, how much money he makes, etc. As long as we get a long and can work as a team I am all for being married to him. 

If having a piss kink is a deal breaker for you then it's important to make that known up front before you commit to a person and it ends up not working out. Or if their looks will not work for you it's best not to get too attached.

Regardless, with time I'm sure you'll be able to figure out your needs as well as your potential partner's needs and move forward in the dating world if that's what you desire. 

I wish you the best of luck brother. Love ya!

[Brutus 2,110]

First thing, it won't be easy. Guys without your issues have difficulty dating these days so you got your work cut out. Autism, unprocessed trauma and social awkwardness will turn women off. Lack of dating experience at mid 20s is also likely to cause women to wonder why. It's possible to overcome these hurdles but they need addressed to give yourself the best odds and have a healthy relationship. I think your best path is to focus on self improvement 6-12 months to the degree possible for you. Can you seek therapy to resolve your trauma? (unless already done so) Is your autism under control, have you learned ways of dealing with triggers? Can you practice socializing to reduce your awkwardness? Do you have steady employment? Plans to get your own place?

The point is your life needs to be in order before you invite someone into it. Beyond that, I'd say kindness and understanding is most important on your list. Personality match is somewhat important but no people are exactly alike, interests and opinions will diverge on some things. Physical attractiveness is important but don't be blinded by good looks, it never works, so have some leeway. Searching for someone neurodiverse is very specific and eliminates 95% of women. I'd let that one go, kindness and understanding should compensate. Horny as fuck will fade with age, along with the fetish desire and nudist is another one that is very specific and filters out most women. Maybe there are dating sites for people on the spectrum? Or a support group for people with fibromaylgia, or other conditions might be a good starting point. But I'd still advise self improvement first, particularly past trauma being sorted out. Any woman understanding enough deserves a partner who presents his best self. 

Hope this helps, it was more than you asked but I gave the honesty and advice for you as well, in case it has any value to you.

[GenericUsername 1,036]

The kind of trauma I have is from sexual harassment as a teenager and religious trauma from purity culture. While I’ve been working on it, the only thing that can fix it for me is a healthy relationship and continuing to work on myself alone isn’t doing me any favors anymore.

[Emilaze 606]

Coming from a 20 something year old woman, that list of importance depends on what you feel you search for the most in a person and which you absolutely cant live without. 

-> Can you ignore someone's looks if you vibe with them? As in do you care if they are conventionally pretty if you feel like they trully understand you? Does it matter to you if others dont find your gf to be that pretty? Can you love someone if you feel that they are everything you've been searching for .. but... your brain didn't go "DAMNNNN SHE HOT/CUTE/PRETTY" the first time you met her?

Dont feel bad if you answer yes to some of these, its you who'll have to be around her most days so what you feel matters also and rejecting someone outright for whatever reason (superficial or not) is far better than leading them on and realising later on that you never really liked them.

[If we are on about me, then I dont find anyone insanely attractive or ugly when I first meet them lmao, but once I start talking to them and feel like I can talk to them for ages about whatever nonsensical topic and I can joke around with them and they match my energy, then I MIGHT feel like they are perhaps attractive. And to me it doesn't matter if others dont feel the same because it's me who's with him not them, so doesn't matter what they think.)

-> Being kind and understanding & personality match - Will you okay if she is rude to you or maybe if she is rude to others but very kind amd understanding towards you? What if she is super extroverted while you're not - will that drain you? Or will you like that she is so different from you and yet you guys vibe?

But I must say that evenif a woman is really understanding, you shouldn't ever expect her to be okay if your unprocessed trauma hurts her in any way. One can be understanding and considerate and patient, but even that has its limit. Going to therapy (if you don't already) is the solution for that.

-> Neurodiversity and Geeky - If this is really really important to you, like you won't even consider being with someone who is neither nuerodivergent nor geeky, EVENIF they tick the other boxes in your list, then socialising and getting to know her first is the only way to ascertain this. A blind date would definitely not work. 

-> The kinks - This is a hit or miss. For some, their partners aren't into anything they are into, so they either don't get a chance to share their kinks or they do it secretly on their own, but they love their partners so its fine and if they are lucky, over the years their partners MIGHT end up warming up to their kinks. For others their kinks are as important as love itself, so they prefer dating someone similar. If you fall under the second type, then again socialising and getting to really know her first is your solution. 

The point being, its you who has to decide which attribute you can live without and which you absolutely can't. Its you who will be with her, not us. So evenif we say what's more important in your list, it'll be according to what we prefer and our preference may not match with yours. 

Edited September 1, 2023 by Emilaze

[GenericUsername 1,036]

For me, physical attraction is kinda important because I missed out on that type of romance when I was younger.

[Horse_water 527]

Honestly, I look at relationships in a totally different manner than you.  Everything you said is your personal taste and important but for me I want to be with someone who makes my life better due to complementary skills/traits. I am not the most organized guy but I got along well with a girl who helped me in that regard while I helped her by driving, cooking etc. Beyond just day to day stuff I want to be with someone who brings out the better parts of me and me in them.

I don't think I could every fill out a check list it is more about synergy for me.  

[Emilaze 606]

20 hours ago, GenericUsername said:

For me, physical attraction is kinda important because I missed out on that type of romance when I was younger.

By physical attraction, do you mean just you being physically attracted to them? Or others finding her appealing as well? For some it really does matter how others see their partners as well.

Take a piece of paper and try to answer the questions I've asked in my post and see which ones you had a strong yes or no answer to, then those are important to you and the order of those are irrelevant.

Then see which ones made you go like "Ehh itll be nice if she is this and this but I guess I can ignore that if she isnt", then those are the ones that are kinda less important to you, and you work from there. 

Edited September 2, 2023 by Emilaze

[Remi 949]

As already mentioned if you decide to use dating or dating apps maybe you should find some that are more specific for people with the attributes you wrote down in your posts. If such apps exist.

Sure using dating apps where you try to 'judge' if people match with you based on a few carefully selected photos and a few sentences that will let you know their favourite food can work out. But the chances of seemingly wasted time (which it isn't!) and disappointment are definitely there and you need to be aware of that. So maybe jump to such a dating app or try other forms of dating just with the intention to gain some experience. Not saying you should look for one night stands or something like that but going into every date with the high expectation of finding your 100% compatible future wife will probably hinder the success and, depending on how good you can deal with disappointment, to lots of frustation.

Just go with the flow and see every date as a massive gain of experience if it doesn't work out. Not only on how to deal with a dating situation but also on learning what is actually important to you. Maybe you will learn that physical attraction is something that can grow on you when other 'quirks and features' like a good humour totally check your box and make you want to see this person again. Or, after you dated several 'attractive girls', this no longer is a high priority because you made the experience that you think you missed out on earlier. Attraction works in strange ways sometimes and it can definitely grow. And who is to say that even if she isn't into piss or being nude at first that she won't ever try it out? If she is attracted to you it is quite the possibility that she will try it out if its not a complete deal breaker for her.

Anyways, best of luck to you!

Edited September 2, 2023 by Remi

[gldenwetgoose 20,249]

I'm not going to give too much of an in-depth analytical answer - just a couple of quick thoughts.

And a caution that the written word doesn't let us hear tone of voice or always get the full understanding.  So if anything I've written seems a bit non-PC, unwoke or otherwise incorrect then bare with me.

 

Firstly - when you say 'dating' are you thinking with the aim of a life partner, or just a bit of loose fun and companionship?    In other words, are you hoping to meet the person you'll be happy to wake up to every morning for the next decades, to talk to, watch TV programmes with, do domestic chores with?   If so I'd suggest you've got to be with a best friend.  Someone you first and foremost enjoy chatting with.  You can have very different characters and personalities as long as you're both prepared to work at understanding, sharing, compromising and giving to each other.   A long term partner who is into pee, or accepts your needs is a bonus.   Physical looks are a bonus - but nothing in life is perfect enough to tick every box, and you have to adapt yourself too.

On the other hand - if you're happy with short term, quick hit relationships then just put yourself out there - try it, work on the basis that all experiences are good.

Now, my point of being un-PC...    You are you.  Not just a list of psychological or physical conditions.   Put that list aside and just be a person...   When did you last hear a paralympic champion talk about what they can't achieve, or what holds them back.  Focus on what you as a kind and thoughtful person can give.  Be interested in the other person - they will have their own fears and hangups, be more interested in how you can make their life better than you are in thinking about what holds you back and what could go wrong.

 

If you had a room with a thousand potential dates, and signs around their necks with every aspect of their personality listed, then you could perhaps rank and choose.  Life isn't like that though.

Instead, doors open and doors close.  My top tip, look for someone with warmth in their eyes. And good luck to you!  

[WantonLee 823]

I am not the most successful person in the dating-business, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Hmm, come to think of it: better with a BAG of salt!

1. Figure out what your absolute no-goes and your must-haves are.
(These might turn out to be less important once you have to deal with them in reality, however.)

2. You are not going to find the perfect partner.
(You and your partner will grow over time based on your individual traits, and how you both are affected by the traits of your respective partner. Do not judge; just notice this. A good relationship is where both partners help each other grow and reach new heights, so to speak.)

3. It is not unusual to not find a suitable partner after a couple of failed relationships.
(Even then your relationship will not be perfect; you and your partner need to be aware of this and be able to talk openly - and non-accusingly - about issues you both have.)

4. If you actually fall in love, the physical appearance is the last thing you notice from your partner.
(Apart from that, the most attractive feature of any human in my opinion is their smile... when it is dedicated to you.)

My most important advice however is this:
Learn who you are - then own who you are.

Meaning:
- what are your character-traits
- what are your good and bad sides
- what do you like and dislike
- what are your strengths and weaknesses

This is who you are.
Do NOT pretend to be someone else, just in order to be liked.
Be open about it. As open as you can.
(Things like your kink are certainly things you should not openly admit; this is very private, and should only be shared when it is time.)

Share some of your weaknesses with others - preferably some things that are not as important (or offending) to others.
Watch their reaction.
People who respond by sharing some of their own weaknesses you should consider spending more time with.
People who disregard you based on your weaknesses you should spend as little time with as possible.

Side-Note in regards to fibromyalgia:
for a couple of years now I am following the channel Dr. Eric Berg DC, to get some additional medical advice.
I personally consider him to be part of the alternative medicine scene.
I use his advice not as an alternative though, but rather complimentary.
(Meaning: additionally to conservative medicine, not in place of.)

This video of him is rather old, and also half click-bait, half outdated:
-> What is Fibromyalgia – Surprising Finding Explained by Dr. Berg

However, the comment-section might give you some ideas what you could do.
Most advice given is from persons also affected; their suggestions are fairly inexpensive and should not interfere with any conventional treatment.
I hope you find something of worth to you there. 🙂

Side-Note in regards to Autism:
I was diagnosed with ADHD last year, and I am about twice your age, so... I am wired as well.
I can not give any advice with autism, however, as it is quite different from ADHD.
But the internet should be full of self help groups, and there a certainly a lot of YouTube-Channels out there with solid advice.
The comment section can be valuable here, too.

I hope this helps.
Do not worry.
25 is still fairly young... you are about half my age and already know about your neurodiversity.
And knowing about a problem is half the problem solve already! 😉

Good luck! 😄