Saying Goodbye

[Brutus 2,205]

I reached a turning point in my life today. A situation at work resulted in a coworker needing me to swap scheduled days off, so I took today and came back home shortly after arriving this morning to use today as my off day. At first I was pissed that this happened. When I got home, I started my pc and dove back into my porn, all 8 tabs, which is my usual amount to have open before my ram chokes and can't take any more tabs. I binged on it for 3 hours and finished with a quick jerk like always. Afterward, I laid down and felt a wave of depression hit me all the sudden and I started crying. The denial of my addiction finally broke in front of me. I can't pretend it hasn't taken over my life anymore. I watch porn all the time, much of it being pee. It's completely consumed me. My entire weekends are now spent watching porn, I'm talking from 9am to midnight on Saturday and Sunday, taking breaks only to use the restroom and eat. Literally 2 full days wasted. I watch it in the morning before work, which makes me late.

 

I've developed this thing where I can't go to work unless I find an exciting video and click on it to start the buffer, then I immediately pause it and finally leave for work, with the thrill of knowing that I can finally watch it when I get home. Sometimes I'm so late that I call in sick because I can tell that I won't be able to turn the damn computer off and put my shoes on. This has happened on days when I was dressed and had the car warming up, and lunch packed. Couldn't leave the porn and missed work. The voice in my head is yelling “Go to work, dumbass” but my hands just keep clicking through pages. It's on my mind all day in the office, what will happen in the video I queued. Every time I hear the loud squeak of the womens room door closing I lose focus on work and have to think which female coworker is it and that I'm missing the sound of her pee because I'm not in the hallway close enough to hear. I was late picking up a friend waiting in the snow recently because I couldn't leave the porn. He asked what took so long, I said I couldn't find my keys and the roads were bad. It's all I want to do anymore, all I look forward to, which sites have new updates in my favorite categories.

 

I bought the new God of War for Ps4 when it launched some 6 months ago, and still haven't played one minute of it, because I can't close the porn. I'll stay up until 5am and go to work on 2 hours of sleep, barely functional, jitters from coffee and falling asleep at my desk because I can't close the porn to go to bed at 11 at night when I feel sleepy. I missed my brothers college graduation 10 years ago, because it was an opportunity to binge porn on the family room computer, which was my only source at the time. My aunt, who is now widowed and living alone, wants me to watch a football game with her, but I can't leave the porn. My house is a mess, my bedroom is covered with trash, and I have become completely stagnant in my existence. I said I was going to pursue learning piano, a masters degree and read books by great authors 3 years ago, still haven't gotten around to any of those, because ...I can't close the porn. I'm 30 years old, and don't want to be like this at 40. I don't want to be like this at 31. Time is speeding up with each year that passes and my best years physically are already behind me, which scares me. I have nothing, no woman, no kids, no time devoted to hobbies or goals anymore and most of my closest family have passed in the last few years, and I believe they see me and their hearts break. The uselessness and isolation I feel at this point are the worst feelings I've ever felt. I've always felt like an outcast but now it's closing in on me in a frightening way. Been thinking about death a lot lately, haven't contemplated suicide but have started to wonder more often that maybe I want to be gone. I even hate having a drink with coworkers after work because I hate hearing about their families and active lives, knowing that I'm going home alone to watch porn right after, all night long.

 

Which is why I feel that what happened at work, causing me to be home all day was a turning point and maybe some divine intervention. Had it not happened, I wouldn't have had my breakdown today, and came to a decision. That decision being to start being better to myself, to treat myself like I matter, to stop telling myself that I have no purpose. I closed all 8 of those damn porn tabs a few hours ago, cleared the history, threw out my masturbation toy that I often used. I cleaned my damn bedroom, it looks so much better now. I'll do more tomorrow. I feel like my mother would smile at what I did today, instead of seeing me like I've been for the past 15 years, decaying into wasted potential, enslaved to my urges. I hate that she can see the real me now, what I've always been, a porn addict aroused by things other than pee that would sicken anyone. No more porn, no more erotic fiction. No more Peefans.

 

I'm saying goodbye to you all. You've been great and I cherish the fun times I've had here, but I have to stop this demon of mine, and anything that feeds it, such as this forum. The porn was my friend during my teen years when I felt isolated, but now it's imprisoned me and stopped me from growing because I've leaned on it for too long. So I'm done with it. I know it's just a symptom of deeper issues, but still it needs to go. It won't be easy and I'll probably relapse, but I have to fight it out of my existence and pursue my goals. Maybe I'll even find someone to love one day and maybe I'll even find my way back here one day as well.

 

Think I'll finally play God of War now with all this sudden free time. Goodbye, love you all!

[Guest UnabashedUser]

Good luck and god bless.  You're obviously very smart from the way you write and the realization that you have to change. That's 3/4 of the way to being whole again.

All the best  I know you'll make it.

 

[gldenwetgoose 21,486]

It's been a pleasure (albeit briefly since I joined) seeing your posts, comments and reactions. If you do happen to be back to read this then all my best wishes, you've taken the hardest step - all the very best.  My only advice would be find something to replace it - join a gym, get a bicycle, that sort of thing to fill your time.

Either way will miss you - take care of yourself. 

[ndr1968pz 149]

Saddens me to see you go and that you have been saddled with this burden. 

 

Good luck and best wishes for the future my friend. 

 

The key to stopping any bad behavior is to never give up because eventually you will be able to stop if you want to badly enough.

As humans we all have the capacity to do that.

[2prnot2p 1,066]

Brutus, if anyone had doubts about porn or sex being addictive, I think your story puts those doubts to bed.  I'm not a psychologist, but did earn a minor in it.  I'd say that you might benefit from counseling.  I'm not a huge believer in therapy, but it certainly couldn't hurt.  That's only if you would be willing to do so.  If not, you'd be wasting your time and the therapist's.  Most addicts are compensating for something lacking in their lives, or medicating to feel better.  In other words, the addiction is usually a symptom.  And then they get hooked.  I have experience with a family member who fits this profile.  But, it wasn't a porn or sex addiction.  Sadly, he chose to end his life.

I doubt you'll read this because you said you'll not be visiting this site again.  But, if you do see this, I truly hope you have a bright future.  It took courage to admit your problem in a public forum.  You're obviously a very intelligent, caring person.  I know this from your other posts as well as this one about your trouble. 

Take good care of yourself. 

[Admin 14,788]

Brutus, that is one of the most powerful posts I've ever read here, and I am truly sorry to see you go. I of course completely understand though, and genuinely wish you the best of luck in overcoming this. I am certain that with the attitude you have, you can. I doubt you will read this, but if you ever do, stay strong, and know that you will be severely missed. 

[WantonLee 861]

First step in overcomming a problem is to realise you're having one. Must have been difficult to admit it, especially in front of forum of, well, bascially strangers. I wonder if it was more difficult then admitting it to yourself.

 

Anyway, you've done the right thing, Brutus. Don't let anyone stop you.

Come back if you feel like it, not sooner.

 

Sexuality, in what ever form, should be the spice of life, not the main course. 😉

 

Good luck! 🙂

[Brutus 2,205]

I just logged back in to show appreciation to the incredible responses and to tie a few things up.

Thank you all so much!

Hope to return one day. 

[steve25805 126,015]

Brutus you will be missed.

But I understand where you are coming from. As Admin said, that was a very powerful post.

Porn and sexuality are of course very pleasurable things, if we remain in control. But if it starts to dominate our lives as it is yours and appears to be acting like an addiction, then I totally get your need to break free.  Just make sure you "sort yourself out" or gain satisfaction with a partner occasionally or the urge to dive back in will build up to overwhelming proportions. That is my advice anyway.

Hopefully, the day will come when you are in control and not the porn. And you come back. There is nothing wrong with porn as an occasional, or even fairly frequent, pleasure, as long as you are always able to walk away from it to pursue other things. When you cannot is when it becomes a problem.

I find it getting addictive from time to time, but I have also discovered that whenever I knock one out, so to speak, the urge diminishes considerably and I can then easily walk away. If that does not work for you I can see how the problem could develop.

Hope you can get on top of it and rebalance your life.

Best wishes.