can you make me laugh?

[PissOnMyParade 447]

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the side of the head.

[Scot_Lover 1,878]

A man was admitted to hospital with 10 little plastic horses in his rectum.

Doctor describes his condition as stable.

[weteric 1,365]

was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/hot#ixzz2zegZEwB8

[weteric 1,365]

Gay marriage legalised in England and Wales.

For those of you confused about the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and fewer arguments about who left the toilet seat up.

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/hot#ixzz2zehCZLQL

[weteric 1,365]

Oranges can be either male or female.

The males sometimes unexpectedly squirt in your eye.

The females are bitter for no apparent reason

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/hot?page=2#ixzz2zehc5ycM

[weteric 1,365]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/hot?page=3#ixzz2zeiCP42D

[weteric 1,365]

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor.

"Why do you want to do that?" I said.

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied

[weteric 1,365]

He said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. ... She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. ... She said: Well, you succeeded.

He said: Two inches more, and I would be king. ... She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." ... Written just below it: "I do not!"

He said: Shall we exchange positions tonight? ... She said: That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said: How about a quickie? ... She said: As opposed to what?

Priest said: I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband. ... She said: Who's gonna look?

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? ... She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. ... She said: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? ... She said: I would, but you're never there. -

[steve25805 126,156]

My six year old son floored me this morning when he suddenly asked, "Daddy, what's a vagina? Is it a kind of lollipop?"

"No son, what makes you think that?"

"Cos my best friend at school said that he heard his older brother telling his friends how great it was when he finally got to lick one, and that it tasted awesome."

My son thought for a few more moments, then asked the dreaded question - "Well if a vagina's not a lollipop, what is it then, daddy?"

"Well to be honest, son, you are a little too young to understand, and I can't find the right words to explain it all to you until you are a little older. But I was, er, "talking" about it with your mother last night and it sure was on the tip of my tongue then."

"Can you show me what a vagina looks like then daddy?"

"I'm afraid I don't have one."

"Do you think my teacher, Miss Lee, will have one?"

"I am sure she will have, yes son. Why?"

"Oh, just wondered."

Well this afternoon my son arrived home from school distraught, in possession of a letter to his parents from the headmaster, reporting the fact that he had had to be chastised for lewd and innapropriate language which Miss Lee, his teacher, found most offensive, and that such conduct was shocking and disturbing and unacceptable, etc, etc.

So I took my son aside and asked him what he'd said.

"Nothing bad, daddy."

"Well you must have said something bad."

"No daddy I didn't! I only said to Miss Lee that I heard that vaginas tasted nice when you licked them and asked if she could show me hers so I could see what it looked like!"

Yikes!!!

[weteric 1,365]

My son got sent home from school gor using the "C" word.

my wife said "that's not clever is it"

So I said "no dear, I think it was cunt"

[weteric 1,365]

Did you know that in the UK 25% of all adult women on taking drugs for mental health.

that's horrific.

that means three quarters of them are walking around un-medicated.

[JesseP 1,277]

What did they call Barn Owls before they started making barns?

[Mishu420 138]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face

This, is comic genius. Who wrote this gem?

[weteric 1,365]

Miranda Hart has announced there will be no more episodes of her BBC sitcom after this Christmas.

She must have run out of joke.

Robbie Williams broadcasting his wife's labour. I can see why, it'll probably be the only time when he can prove he isn't the biggest cunt in the room.

Apparently kicking a pregnant woman's stomach is only cute if it's from the inside.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.