I got to talk to my middle school bully

[Mary Moon 1,980]

This week, i had an encounter that i could define as not easy and intense. I was going back to university by train and when I entered my carriage, i was petrified, sitting in one seat was my ex best friend in middle school (who I also had a little crush on), who after my humiliating incidents of pee, at the time cut me off from her friends and started bullying me and hurting me along with other girls (we had met other times after middle school, but i always tried to avoid her). For a moment i felt like the scared little girl from back then again, she looked up and looked at me before looking away. I sat there shaking with my mind in turmoil, years have passed but these wounds are still fresh for me. After a few minutes she got up from her seat and walked towards me, I thought she had to go to the bathroom, or something, instead she stopped in front of me. I looked at her and was afraid she had something mean to say. Instead, she didn't have the mean expression I remembered, she asked me "do you mind if I sit down?" (also calling me by the nickname we were friends with). After a bit of hesitation, i nodded. She started saying that at the time she didn't understand how bad her behavior was and that she behaved like that to follow her group of friends and feel accepted by the pack, but that now that she's an adult she understands how stupid she was and feels guilty. I remained silent, not knowing how to respond, full of conflicting feelings, a part of me wanted to yell at her, another to run away. In the end, I tried to appeal to my rationality, and I told her that I appreciated her words, but that it was very difficult for me to forgive and forget, because in those difficult moments i only wanted to have the comfort of my best friend. At that moment, i noticed a certain wavering on her part. In the end, i told her that it's really very difficult for us to go back to being friends like we used to be, but that since we're practically adults now, I could try to turn the page. In the end we spent the rest of the trip talking even if a little awkwardly. However, it did me good that a lot of the anger and resentment I had subsided. I realized that probably her meanness was due to the fact that she just wanted to feel accepted by her group, it doesn't justify her obviously but, but maybe i can get a little to understand that she too is a bit of a victim of this society

[Adyguy6970 877]

Thanks for sharing.   Reading through it I was hopeful that there might be a big breakthrough for you, but I guess the time probably wasn't right. 

[Mary Moon 1,980]

3 minutes ago, Adyguy6970 said:

Thanks for sharing.   Reading through it I was hopeful that there might be a big breakthrough for you, but I guess the time probably wasn't right. 

It takes time for wounds to heal

[WantonLee 861]

This story is one of the many stories that give me hope for humanity.

First of all, I am sorry that you had to endure all of this; I have been bullied myself, however not to an extend as you had been.
And certainly not to an extend as to what is possible in the... "realm of bullying", so to speak.

Your story is a strong reminder that every perpetrator is also a victim to some degree, and it is one of our noblest deeds as humans to become aware of that and break the cycles.
To _NOT_ pass on the pain, but to dissolve it.

I think your former bully has broken this cycle, because she was able to speak to you and apologize for her former behavior.
It is no easy task to admit failure... to admit being the bad one... .

I do not know if you are able to forgive her; but there would be one advantage to forgiveness:
Forgiving someone will set YOU free, too.

That is, if your heart can forgive.


This is by the way not me saying "we should all forgive the evildoers of the world and just let them do what ever they want".
Someone like this needs to be stopped, no matter what.

I am talking about how to break the cycle... and this requires a broader perspective then just wanting revenge (which is still the main motive of our justice system, as far as I can tell).


Maybe... well... how about you write down what happened to you, what has been done to you, and how you felt about it... both when it happened and afterwards.
Just to... pour your heart out... ?

I don't know if it would be wise to share it with your former bully.
But if you do, then ask her to write her story down as well.
 

OK, I am rambling at this point... time to go to bed.

Best of luck to you! 😄

[Mary Moon 1,980]

Basically when i got back to school after the accident, i was obviously devastated by what had happened, during lunch break i approached this girl who was my best friend at the time, she brushed me off with "I'm sorry, but we're talking now, can you leave us?", it was like a stab in the heart. The next few days it got worse, the teasing started, the nicknames, the meanness, the bullying. One time she and her friends even stopped me from going to the bathroom at lunch because they wanted to see if i would have another accident, and I had to run to the teachers' bathroom so i wouldn't wet myself in front of them. And I'm lucky they never found out i was wearing pull-ups when i started wearing them, otherwise it would have been even worse. Because of this, for years i didn't trust anyone, my only friends were my sister and my neighbor. And let's not even get into boys, the thought of a boy i liked seeing that i was in diapers made me feel sick. Being betrayed by people i'm very close to is one of my biggest fears.

[Alpian 687]

Thank you for sharing your story - it is a very sad one, and it alerts to the harm we may do to others by just behaving conformist. She wanted to fit in - and she didn't mind betraying you for it when you needed it most. I hope you will find examples of friends being there for you when you need them, so your wounds can slowly heal and you can trust friends again. Wishing you the best!

[Alfresco 11,630]

@Mary Moon, This is obviously something that has been very traumatic for you and absolutely should never have happened in the first place, but that meeting shows developed strength of character for both of you.  It would have taken the ex friend a lot to actually get up, come over to you and admit to you what she did was wrong.   It would also have taken you great strength to not only accept her request to sit with you, but also to tell her exactly how you felt.   You could easily have just said "Yes OK, apology accepted" but that wouldn't have made her understand how much she had upset you.    You told her how you felt and that was brave and was you standing up to someone who was previously a bully to you.  Well done.

I doubt that you would ever get over this experience and it will always be with you, but it is good that you now know that the other person has realised her behaviour had a really bad effect on you.   I doubt you would ever go back to being best friends, but you may be able to at least be able to talk to each other again.