How to let someone down?

[pguy2981 930]

Full disclosure, I am absolutely GARBAGE at socializing. I am especially garbage when it comes to dealing with people having romantic/sexual feelings for me, and vice versa. Those are emotions I really never learned how to properly handle. As such, I am an extremely clueless person when it comes to someone "dropping hints" to get a guy to ask them out or invite them home. I always try to play it off like they're joking with me or pulling my leg or trying to get some kind of reaction out of me. Like "theres no way they ACTUALLY mean that". My gf actually has to point these things out

Well as of recent, I've had some not so innocent conversations/physical encounters with my co-worker that are starting to look less like hints and more like giant green neon signs that I can't ignore. She hasn't made overtly sexual advances, but I have considered the following to be signs:

1. ) "Well if I'm drunk, maybe I could stay with youuu" *She said flirtatiously while running her hand down the length of my shoulder*
2. ) "You like being called daddy? I could see you as a daddy in bed. You know, I really love it when someones hitting from behind" *Continues to portray being hit from behind by jiggling her ass while moaning the word daddy*. "Ooof, let me stop before I cream my panties". This was in response to a customer calling me daddy after I remarked on her burn, saying that ashtrays exist for a reason.
3. ) "Could you take off your glove?" *Takes it off* "You umm..have really nice hands. *Makes a gentle fingering motion*

Yeah I can't really ignore this any longer. She does know I'm already with someone as well. I'm not sure if I need to reiterate that, or if it doesn't matter because she doesn't care. How do I ask her if she's feeling some type of way about me, and how do I tell her that I can't morally do anything sexual with her, so hitting on me is kind of pointless? I feel like it would be weird if i didn't say something at this point.

 

I really just want to nip this in the bud. I appreciate the help!

[Kupar 12,375]

Hmm. It's difficult. I guess you need to acknowledge that you've noticed the things she's said and done ... maybe "even I have noticed" ... and also to say that any guy would be flattered, but that you find it awkward, and then ask her to cool it please, as while you know it's flirtatious, you need to make it clear that right now, it's not going anywhere. It might provoke a reaction along the lines of "What!? You didn't think I was coming on to you did you?! That's so typical!" ... but ... you'll know and she'll know.. 

I wonder whether advice from our female members might be more helpful because - I am afraid to say - they have quite possibly had to deal with this sort of thing more often than men do. (Apologises in advance to anyone who might be getting offended at this point.)

I will be very interested to read others' responses. Being  someone to whom this has almost never happened, I'm just trying to think how I might approach it, rather than talking from huge experience.

[gldenwetgoose 20,243]

Hopefully there will be a few more responses and from a wide cross section of the membership.   And I can relate to a lot of what you've said there @pguy2981 -  not necessarily in quite the same way as you've described, but I'm definitely rubbish at responding in realtime to comments like your coworker has been throwing at you. I'm great at thinking of just the right thing to say just after the moment, but when it's too late.

Also it seems sufficiently rare that I find myself in that position, that if my coworker started being very obvious I'd wonder if there was some office prank going on.  But enough about my insecurities.

I suppose my thoughts about letting her down would be to ensure it's a least painless as possible - so gently.  Partly that's from the perspective of not hurting her feelings, but also so as not for her to feel scorned and potentially vengeful.  In the work situation that could make for awkwardness, or even to the downright revengeful creating problems for you.

I guess I may try to deal with it by not actively discouraging or shooting down any comments and passes she makes - but just by subtly introducing the difference between fun and flirty against the reality of the situation.   For example with the comment about her getting drunk and staying with you - a half joking response along the lines of 'I can imagine how well that would go down with my partner'.   Perhaps wearing something new and slightly fancy, and if it's mentioned then making it clear 'Yes it's new, my girl friend treated me - she's wonderful' or similar.

In other words, you're ok to have a lighthearted atmosphere and banter in the workplace, but that's all it is.  Maybe? 

[pguy2981 930]

1 hour ago, gldenwetgoose said:

I can imagine how well that would go down with my partner'. 

I did respond to that actually. I said something along the lines of "Theres a ring camera in my house and I'm not about to explain your presence to my gf. But if you actually need to, ask. I have a couch".

I could wear the new jacket, but its not cold enough for that yet. I feel like I would respond with something along the lines of "Hey, I'm kind of picking up a vibe between you and I, and I don't know whether or not thats a thing with you, but I've noticed our conversations seem to be more flirty than light-hearted. I'm really flattered by you, honestly, but you know I'm already with someone, right? I can't really do anything to you or with you thats anything more than what we're doing now. If things were different then possibly, but they aren't and I just wanted to make sure you knew that, so no ones feelings get hurt."

I could try doing that, but I don't want a knee-jerk response or anything. Alot of people at my job really do believe that you can do anything you want with anyone unless you are married. The amount of women that told me that really early on in my employment is baffling (also this is why I'll never date should I break up with my current partner). I would love to hear from other women in this community how they would want to be let down by a guy if a guy noticed. I would also ask them to think back to the tender age of 21 and think how they would have handled it back then, if some of the responses are from people over 30. My co-worker is 21 and I don't believe that people of that age handle their emotions well, unless they are mature for their age.

[Peenicks 853]

As a 21 year old woman myself, I would hope that her reaction wouldn't be outwardly hostile. For me personally if someone is rejecting my romantic or sexual advances I would like to know two main things:

 If anything I had said or done caused them distress or otherwise offended them and, if so, how myself or others may "fix" things to prevent their work environment from becoming uncomfortable or hostile to them.

Where our relationship stands going forward. Should we be friends, acquaintances, simply coworkers, etc. ?

I do my best to follow this general structure when declining others as well.

Ex: "I felt I should let you know that your flirting with me, even jokingly, has made me feel uncomfortable. I think it would be best if we spent some time apart today, if possible. I do hope we can still be friends tho."

That's simply an example of something I've said in the past, not necessarily what you should say, as I don't fully know what your feelings are on the situation and what you think the best action to take should be.

Hope this helps atleast a little and I wish the best for you!

[MidoriLemonade85 1,888]

On 9/30/2022 at 8:42 PM, pguy2981 said:

Full disclosure, I am absolutely GARBAGE at socializing. I am especially garbage when it comes to dealing with people having romantic/sexual feelings for me, and vice versa. Those are emotions I really never learned how to properly handle. As such, I am an extremely clueless person when it comes to someone "dropping hints" to get a guy to ask them out or invite them home. I always try to play it off like they're joking with me or pulling my leg or trying to get some kind of reaction out of me. Like "theres no way they ACTUALLY mean that". My gf actually has to point these things out

Well as of recent, I've had some not so innocent conversations/physical encounters with my co-worker that are starting to look less like hints and more like giant green neon signs that I can't ignore. She hasn't made overtly sexual advances, but I have considered the following to be signs:

1. ) "Well if I'm drunk, maybe I could stay with youuu" *She said flirtatiously while running her hand down the length of my shoulder*
2. ) "You like being called daddy? I could see you as a daddy in bed. You know, I really love it when someones hitting from behind" *Continues to portray being hit from behind by jiggling her ass while moaning the word daddy*. "Ooof, let me stop before I cream my panties". This was in response to a customer calling me daddy after I remarked on her burn, saying that ashtrays exist for a reason.
3. ) "Could you take off your glove?" *Takes it off* "You umm..have really nice hands. *Makes a gentle fingering motion*

Yeah I can't really ignore this any longer. She does know I'm already with someone as well. I'm not sure if I need to reiterate that, or if it doesn't matter because she doesn't care. How do I ask her if she's feeling some type of way about me, and how do I tell her that I can't morally do anything sexual with her, so hitting on me is kind of pointless? I feel like it would be weird if i didn't say something at this point.

 

I really just want to nip this in the bud. I appreciate the help!

Hmmm. Female here, as you probably know. 
I have previously worked in HR. They always sent us to those anti-harrassment courses. 
Being jokey at work is fine. A lot of people do it. Most people can handle it. 
Her touching any part of your body without your consent is not ok. 
I can’t figure out the “daddy” conversation. Sounds pretty unprofessional to me anyway. 
To me it seems the more you associate with this person, the more she will bring you down with her, and you might lose your job. I would be surprised if she kept her job. What would the boss say if he/she saw her behaving like this? If you are on good terms with your boss, can you talk to them about it, and your concerns? 
That way, if she does have some kind if big reaction, at least your boss is aware of it with a heads up. 
Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable at work is harrassment. Ask if there are resources at work to deal with this so you don’t have to deal with it on your own, ok? If not, there might be government departments that provide information and resources. 
And on a personal, day-to-day level, if it were me, I would just be less warm to her. Stay professional, stick to the task, work away from her if possible, ignore what she says and she might get bored and lay off for a while if she realises there is no chance with you.

To be honest, girls like that are only interested in seeing how much they can get away with. I don’t think she is genuinely interested in you, because she is being so disrespectful about it. 
Make sure your girlfriend is fully aware of the situation too, so if anything weird happens, and this girl tries to stalk you, tell lies, or otherwise behave badly, your gf is aware you are trying to deal with the situation, and you will have her complete understanding and support. 
I am sorry this is happening to you. I mean you could try and talk to her about it, but it sounds like she is the kind of person who will only hear what she wants to hear. You need to get some more resources or some mind of mediator to help you deal with this, and ensure a pleasant work environment, if you want to continue working there. 



 

[MidoriLemonade85 1,888]

On 9/30/2022 at 9:54 PM, gldenwetgoose said:

Hopefully there will be a few more responses and from a wide cross section of the membership.   And I can relate to a lot of what you've said there @pguy2981 -  not necessarily in quite the same way as you've described, but I'm definitely rubbish at responding in realtime to comments like your coworker has been throwing at you. I'm great at thinking of just the right thing to say just after the moment, but when it's too late.

Also it seems sufficiently rare that I find myself in that position, that if my coworker started being very obvious I'd wonder if there was some office prank going on.  But enough about my insecurities.

I suppose my thoughts about letting her down would be to ensure it's a least painless as possible - so gently.  Partly that's from the perspective of not hurting her feelings, but also so as not for her to feel scorned and potentially vengeful.  In the work situation that could make for awkwardness, or even to the downright revengeful creating problems for you.

I guess I may try to deal with it by not actively discouraging or shooting down any comments and passes she makes - but just by subtly introducing the difference between fun and flirty against the reality of the situation.   For example with the comment about her getting drunk and staying with you - a half joking response along the lines of 'I can imagine how well that would go down with my partner'.   Perhaps wearing something new and slightly fancy, and if it's mentioned then making it clear 'Yes it's new, my girl friend treated me - she's wonderful' or similar.

In other words, you're ok to have a lighthearted atmosphere and banter in the workplace, but that's all it is.  Maybe? 

Sometimes I feel like we are related, Goose, because we are so similar. I always think of the perfect clever response ten minutes later. (That is why I love writing, as I can put it all in there, in my own time!)

And yes, I would definitely think there was an office prank going on if somebody at work started flirting with me. I am professional and well-presented but shy and insecure too. Luckily, I have not had much of that at work, not that I have noticed anyway. 
Yes, awkwardness at work would be the worst. But with the above situation, I don’t think her unprofessional behaviour will ensure her longevity at this workplace anyway, and I think she will be out on her arse once the boss catches her doing it. She sounds bloody awful nonetheless. 

[MidoriLemonade85 1,888]

On 9/30/2022 at 9:04 PM, Kupar said:

Hmm. It's difficult. I guess you need to acknowledge that you've noticed the things she's said and done ... maybe "even I have noticed" ... and also to say that any guy would be flattered, but that you find it awkward, and then ask her to cool it please, as while you know it's flirtatious, you need to make it clear that right now, it's not going anywhere. It might provoke a reaction along the lines of "What!? You didn't think I was coming on to you did you?! That's so typical!" ... but ... you'll know and she'll know.. 

I wonder whether advice from our female members might be more helpful because - I am afraid to say - they have quite possibly had to deal with this sort of thing more often than men do. (Apologises in advance to anyone who might be getting offended at this point.)

I will be very interested to read others' responses. Being  someone to whom this has almost never happened, I'm just trying to think how I might approach it, rather than talking from huge experience.

With your charm and charisma, I find it hard to believe you haven’t had women (or men) flirting with you at places you work. But I guess it is lucky that you haven’t because it can make things awkward in the office I am sure. I can imagine if it ever happened, you would gently sit them down, make them a cup of tea, have a polite chat with them, and dazzle them with your eloquence so they can see the error in their ways, and start acting more professional towards you. 
Hmmmm, now I am imagining you in a business suit….💖errr……focus, Midori, focus! 💚😆

But yes, you never know what kind of reaction you will get from people, and they can make life very difficult at work. And that is why I have provided a HR type answer for pguy2981 in this instance. 😉

[Kupar 12,375]

2 minutes ago, MidoriLemonade85 said:

With your charm and charisma, I find it hard to believe you haven’t had women (or men) flirting with you at places you work.

You're too kind!