Love advice for a noob

[Gotah 2,382]

Hi friends!

I'm currently going through a bit of an emotional crisis all about love, feelings and whatnot, and it's slowly driving me crazy.
I was hoping that maybe some of you could have few wise words of advice to help me get out of (or at least understand) this mess.

For the past few months I've become friendly with a girl. We get along well, have common interests, similar worldviews, the same passion about things we care about, and so on. Needless to say, I started to develop feelings for her and now I'm in a position where I don't know how to proceed. 

I should mention that it's not the first time I find myself in such a situation. I've had crushes on girls before and so far I've been rejected everytime by each girl I've ever had feelings for, which is incredibly frustrating and also infuriating to be honest. And I'm sure that one of the reasons why it has never worked out is that I suck at these love/flirt/realationship things.

Basically, what is driving me crazy right now is the classic question of whether or not she likes me back. I do get the feeling that she doesn't (at least at the moment) although she does like me as a person, and I know that because she told me, but I don't think there's more. I don't know what I should do now or how I'm supposed to handle all of this.

And that is why I would love to ask you all if you could help me out with some helpful adivce to turn things around. I'd appreciate it A LOT! 🙂

PS: I gave up on texting with her a few weeks ago, because she's one of those people who doesen't use the phone alot(which btw is one of the traits that I like about her) and therefore it always takes an eternity for her to respond.

[gldenwetgoose 21,487]

I'm probably the least qualified person to give advice - my usual go-to response is that 'when it happens it just happens', and that's not quite the question here.

Part of the problem I guess is that we all carry different levels of baggage.  Bad feelings, memories and fears based on previous experiences.  For us remotely it's difficult to know what your friend is into and what level of interaction is typical for you,  and for you as well it's difficult to interpret whether they'd be open to moving things forward in the direction you hope for.   If the answer to that were a no, it's definitely not a personal snub - it could be they've previously been in a bad situation and feel the need to be cautious, it could be any number of similar reasons.

You've said you suck at the flirting, but it sounds like the friendship is mutual and two way, so you can't be doing things too badly at the moment.  Maybe Christmas gives the opportunity to step things forward gently -  if you normally just chat, perhaps ask her out for coffee.   If you normally have coffee together perhaps ask if she fancies going to the Christmas market or seeing the Christmas lights with you?  Maybe ask if she'd mind if you bought her a modest Christmas gift.  (I'm thinking out loud here and hopefully others will help me out).

I sort of feel the important thing for both of you is to not think of this as switching into relationship mode - it's about stepping forwards in small steps in a way that shows you care about her, you want to be in her company and want to treat her specially. 

Just asking her out on what is obviously and bluntly a date 'could' work, but only if that's what she wants too - and the risk of embarrassment and spoiling what sounds like a great friendship.  Instead moving the friendship forwards, and then testing the waters may be the way to go. 

[UnauthorisedGuy 510]

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like you're in the "friend zone". While you want to be more than friends - she either doesn't or hasn't considered the possibility that the two of you could have a relationship. 

If it's the first one, then I think you have to respect her wishes. If you think she could be interested in a relationship, then obviously the question is how to get out of the friend zone? Given that the internet is the source of all wisdom 🤣 and because I'm curious, I decided to google it. Turns out there's hundreds of internet pages about what the friend zone is, how to know you're in the friend zone, and so on. Unfortunately, the most prevalent advice seems to be about how to avoid getting into the friend zone in the first place. (Pretty useless if you've already there.) I hoped to find an article or articles by women about how their perception changed - how a friend became their partner. Seems to me they could contain some useful hints, but most of the articles I turned up were written by men 🙁

My advice (for what it's worth) is that I think you have two options - take the direct approach or play the long game. In other words, you either tell her how you feel (which resolves things one way or the other), or you hope that over time you can steer the friendship in the direction of a relationship and/or her perception of you changes.      

Edited December 17, 2022 by UnauthorisedGuy

[Gotah 2,382]

1 hour ago, UnauthorisedGuy said:

My advice (for what it's worth) is that I think you have two options - take the direct approach or play the long game.

The direct approach sound like a good idea!

I was actually already planning on telling her how I feel once the next best opportunity arrives. I've been constantly dragging these things out in the past with the hopes that the situation might change at some point (which never happened), and I grew pretty tired of this procedure. So I think it's better to end things right away rather than spending the next few months with mindfucks and headaches and most importantly, sleepless nights

Thanks @UnauthorisedGuy and also @gldenwetgoose  for you thoughts!

Edited December 17, 2022 by Gotah

[Adyguy6970 877]

I would probably ask her out, maybe for lunch or afternoon tea.  At worst she can say no.  If she accepts, the usual caveats apply.  Make your own way too and from the venue, let a trusted friend know what you're doing, don't push the envelope and, if it turns out that at most she wants to be friends, accept that for what it is.  Good luck.  

[Gotah 2,382]

21 hours ago, MasterDarcy said:

Come out and ask her if she wants to go on a date with you. You'll find out your answer then and there.

I guess that's probably the best (and only) way to clear the situation

21 hours ago, MasterDarcy said:

You said that it isn't the first time that you've been in this situation? It's possible that you're just in a rush to be in a relationship so you're distorting what is and what you want to be.

I don't think so, I'm well aware (now) that rushing things is never a good approach. I am taking it with patience, but I still try to not drag it out for to long otherwise I feel like she might lose interest (assuming that there is interest).

21 hours ago, MasterDarcy said:

Good luck. 🙂

Thanks, you had some great thoughts!