The Psychologist

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

So I wrote this blog post today after I had an issue with a guy online that seemed all too familiar. 

 

 

Over the past 5 or so years that I’ve had Reddit and Discord I’ve begun to discover and encounter on a few occasions a type of male personality that exists out there.

The psychologist.

These type of men all act the same way and say the same things.

They are the type of men that right off the bat within the first few days of instant messaging them ask the intense, in-depth questions.

Instead of a simple “What’s your favorite movie?’ it’s “What are you most afraid of?” “What are your desires?” “What are you wanting in life?” And it’s usually one question after another. You’re left feeling a bit taken back by the first question but you’re so intrigued by the fact that they say they care and want to help you that you fall into their spell.

They all make claims very quickly that they “want to help you.”  Not just that they want to be your friend but specifically quote “Want to help you.”

They tend to have serious straight forward tone of speaking.

They tend to say, “I’m an open book. I just want to help you. I’m here to help you. What can I do to help you?”

They also tend to say after you start discussing your personal feelings about things they’ll say, “How do you feel about that?”

If you express that the questions are a bit intense, they sometimes will claim, “But you can ask me anything.” So you feel more inclined to tell more about yourself.  Or they’ll say, “This is why people don’t talk to you. You don’t open up to people.” “Why don’t you let anyone in?” “You have trust issues don’t you?”

And when you can’t think of questions for them, they’ll ask more in-depth questions for you to answer.

If you start to become hesitant to answer they’ll say, “Aw come on… say it..it’s okay… you can tell me anything.”

They tend to be intense with their feelings for you very quickly as well within a day or two they’ll say things like, “I really care about you.” “I love you.” “I’m here for you always and forever.” They demand that you trust them. And share with them how you are really feeling from things about marriage to about if you have or want kids or not.

It’s almost text book line from line, like a script. And this isn’t a typical normal friendship. I say this because only a small percentage of men speak/act this way. I also say this because men that aren’t out to ‘get more out of a friendship.” Don’t typically start right off the bat on day one of them speaking with you by telling you to ‘tell them everything’ your deepest darkest desires. They don’t try to drag out of you your darkest secrets and fears. Typical friendship with men usually are very casual. The majority of normal friendship stay that way. The questions stay casual and they don’t get too intense, interrogative or mind/soul reflecting. This not typically how a stranger is or should be with a stranger especially a female.

When you begin to realize that it’s a one sided friendship and start to inquire about them they typically say, “I’m not important. You are.” “This is about you.” “I want to know about you.” “I’m not that interesting.” “I’m here to help you.”

But when you insist of them talking more they start to turn the tables on you, when push comes to shove they end up telling you how they feel that you really are as a person. They tell you that everyone feels this way about you. “You know what your problem is?” “Do you know why people treat you this way?”  The majority of these men also claim that they ‘don’t sugar coat things.’ And you’re left feeling extremely broken. They don’t really give you a straight forward answer on how they think you can improve. They leave you with something like, “This is your fault. You can’t blame others.”

Friendships develop over time. A stranger shouldn’t feel like they need to ‘express everything’.  Especially not to a man. Especially if the stranger is married. These men always say, “But you can ask me anything. I don’t mind talking about sex. Come on ask me.” As a way to justify their questions to you. To make you feel like it’s second nature to ask intense personal questions.

It’s not natural to express your love for someone within a day or two of instant messaging them. The goal of these men is to find out what makes you tick. And many will actually ask you this as well. They ask you deep philosophical questions so you can feel like you’re close to them. Maybe in hopes that you’ll start saying, ‘I love you’ in return.

But yes these types of men do exist. They all say the same thing. Literally, no word of a lie. It’s line for line exactly the same with these psychological probing men. It’s a complete 180 then the majority of my other friendships with men. Instead of the men talking about their work or their family life, the friendship is focused on the woman. The whole friendship revolves around the woman and she is heavily dotted on at such an early stage of the ‘friendship’ that they eventually just spill their heart about every little thing they’ve ever experienced. And I actually remember talking to these men at some point by saying, “You know what I actually don’t feel comfortable discussing that.”  It’s déjà vu when I speak with men like this. They say the same exact thing. They express the same feelings for me that the few other psychologist men have. And they all leave me with an unloading of pretty much making me feel like the whole issue is my fault. Like… “Okay your time is up… here’s your diagnosis. Goodbye.”

They are usually heavy listeners and really want you to pour your heart out. They want nothing more than to gain your trust with everything. They want you to be vulnerable. Some even say this as well, “Why won’t you let yourself be vulnerable with me?” Uh cause you’re a man I’ve only communicated with a few times. And then eventually they realize they don’t want the friendship that you want. They just want to help you because you’re a ‘Damsel in distress.’ They saw you as weak and figured you’d open up completely.

And typically when this happens to me over the last 5 years on Discord and I tell my other friends about it… the resounding response is ‘Uh…. That sounds kinda creepy.’

I'm looking for friendship not someone to strip me bare then break me down. I'm not looking for a 'helper'. I don't need rescued. I don't need someone to 'Fix' me. You don't fix female strangers that are married. Your job isn't to fix them. Your job isn't to break their spirit in hopes that you'll somehow make them a better person. It's a psychological mind trip.

[Guest UnabashedUser]

These guys are generally  bullshit artists who feature themselves as "players". Everything they say is their attempt to get into your panties and if it looks like they're about to be shut down, they take off like their ass is on fire.

Best avoided to save time. 

There are well meaning types out there who genuinely want to help,I'm sure.  But very rare indeed. 

[2prnot2p 1,066]

Forgive me, @Blackinksoul30 , but I'll give you an honest response.

Why are you seeking male friendship online?  Why are you engaging in intimate conversations with men online?  Call me old-fashioned, but that is the role a husband should fill.  When I was married, I would have been quite concerned if my wife was looking for serious friendships with men outside of our marriage.  It's just not right.  That's just my opinion.  It can only lead to more problems. 

Have you no female friends?  If you do, those are who should be confiding in.  If not, perhaps you should try to meet some.  I know it can be difficult to make friends.  I've had a problem making male friends all of my life. 

Lastly, perhaps you'd benefit from some sort of therapy.  To be honest, I'm not a big fan of it, but it does help some people.  Maybe even you should get couples counseling.  There are free or low-cost places out there where you can get help.  A few phone calls should lead to some options.

You obviously have problems with your feelings of self-worth.  I don't know how to help you with that.  This is why I suggest professional help.  You won't get it here at Pee Fans.  I can promise you that.  That goes for any other site.  Look to yourself, not online.

Please don't be offended by my words.  I'm only trying to help, I assure you.

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

2 hours ago, owlman76 said:

@Blackinksoul, I am prepared to talk to you, and I will try and help you, because I know I can, I've had dealings with a lot of psychiatric people over the years, and consequently picked up a lot of knowledge, but the first thing you need to do is be open and honest, with yourself, and your life partner.

I have absolutely zero interest in trying to get into your panties, you live thousands of miles away from me for a start, neither do I wish to see mucky pictures of you, or discuss your sexual preferences.

I can, and will, equip you with a 'toolbox' to help you identify and overcome a lot of your issues, I have been having problems for a while, seen a lot of so called 'experts', most of whom were of very little use, until fairly recently when I met a woman who helped me drag myself out of a very dark place.

The main issue a lot of the time is that you actually set yourself up for failure, and knowing how to avoid this is key, and it works like this.

Let us imagine that you have several things to do tomorrow, so you go to bed thinking like this, ' tomorrow I shall get up, do the laundry, clean the windows, mow the lawn and clean the car' , i'm using these tasks as an example, by the way. Now when you get up you may not feel like doing everything, or something may prevent you from completing the tasks, then at the end of the day you feel a failure, and worthless, because you didn't complete the tasks. What you do is this, say to yourself, 'OK, tomorrow I think I'll do the laundry'  you get up and do it, if you still feel fine, have a coffee, then say, 'right, now I'll clean those windows' and you carry on like that, but always have a fallback, if you can't mow the lawn because it's raining, then have something else lined up, then you can say, 'ok, so I didn't mow the lawn, but I did bake some cakes', or tidied the lounge, or whatever task you carried out instead. That way you don't end the day day feeling a failure, you actually feel more positive, because, you think, 'hey, I was just going to do the laundry today, but I did that, and cleaned the windows' . Straight away you feel much better, it worked for me, and I've passed these techniques on to other people who have found them helpful too, hopefully they'll work for you too!.

If you have sexual issues, then you need to discuss these with your husband/partner, a lot of people will, on the pretext of trying to help you, probe into your sexual practices/desires as a means of gaining their own sexual gratification. Also a partner is unlikely to be happy when they discover that you have been discussing such intimate details with a complete stranger, and this in itself is likely to create more problems.

I've spoken to you once by PM, remember, we didn't discuss anything personal, or intimate, just general stuff, I don't profess to be a qualified analyst by any means, but over the years have met a lot of so called 'experts', some very good, some very bad, and some who to be brutally honest were worse than useless, I will however quite happily try and help you to identify and deal with your issues, but that is the thing, I can only help YOU, neither myself, or anyone else can wave a magic wand and make everything fine, it's something you have to do yourself, what I can do is offer you help and advice on how to get where you want to be. You may feel you are in a very dark place, but believe me, you just haven't found the lightswitch yet, hopefully, with the help of either myself or someone else who genuinely wants to help, you can stop groping blindly in the dark and find that switch, my door is always open. Best Wishes, Phil

I wasn't wanting someone to help me. I don't want a psychiatrist friend. I don't want someone to specifically discuss my problems. I don't like this kind of communication. That's why I removed this 'psychiatrist' friend from discord. These type of men do make me feel uncomfortable which is why i no longer communicate with them. I wasn't 'looking' for this type of 'friend'. I was just looking for a friend to talk to. 

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

8 hours ago, 2prnot2p said:

Forgive me, @Blackinksoul30 , but I'll give you an honest response.

Why are you seeking male friendship online?  Why are you engaging in intimate conversations with men online?  Call me old-fashioned, but that is the role a husband should fill.  When I was married, I would have been quite concerned if my wife was looking for serious friendships with men outside of our marriage.  It's just not right.  That's just my opinion.  It can only lead to more problems. 

Have you no female friends?  If you do, those are who should be confiding in.  If not, perhaps you should try to meet some.  I know it can be difficult to make friends.  I've had a problem making male friends all of my life. 

Lastly, perhaps you'd benefit from some sort of therapy.  To be honest, I'm not a big fan of it, but it does help some people.  Maybe even you should get couples counseling.  There are free or low-cost places out there where you can get help.  A few phone calls should lead to some options.

You obviously have problems with your feelings of self-worth.  I don't know how to help you with that.  This is why I suggest professional help.  You won't get it here at Pee Fans.  I can promise you that.  That goes for any other site.  Look to yourself, not online.

Please don't be offended by my words.  I'm only trying to help, I assure you.

Call me new age but shouldn't a woman (married or single) have female friends and guy friends? My husband has no problem with me having guy friends. 

Yes i did say psychologist men asked me questions about my sex life but i wouldn't answer them. 

I do not have close female friends to hang out with or talk to on the phone. Nor instant message. I occasionally get a an email from one. 

I was in therapy... But that therapy place was supposed to set me up with a new therapist and they never called me back. They won't email me back. 

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

3 minutes ago, owlman76 said:

Which is what I was trying to say, yes I understand it all and yes I could offer you advice, but if you just wanted someone to talk to who did understand where you're coming from then fine, that was all.

Right but i'm not really looking for advice. Like i said I'm not looking for someone to 'fix' me. I'm not looking for someone to help 'work out my problems'. I don't want to talk about my problems. I pretty much spent the main original post complaining about these type of men. The whole post was about how I don't want this type of friend and now i know to avoid them. I didn't make the post because i'm seeking that type of friend. I made that post because men like that make me feel uncomfortable and now i've learned how those men are and i want to avoid them like the plague. I just want a casual friend that I can talk to about happy stuff as well. That i can talk to about how they are doing. That i can talk to about music, movies, games, tv shows, weather, food etc. I am not seeking 'advice' for my problems. I actually prefer not to discuss my problems. 

Edited June 18, 2019 by Blackinksoul30

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

2 minutes ago, owlman76 said:

ok sorry, I'll leave you with it then

 

I'm really sorry if my original post confused you. I want to talk to a guy about the same things i'd talk to a female about. Gossip, celebrities, the 80's, what they love to cook. Maybe a lil bit of venting about our lives but making that the main focus isn't the friendship i'm wanting to seek. It's never been the kind of friendship i've wanted. I was just saying that i tend to fall into that trap that some of those kinds of men come to me...  talking about my problems actually makes me feel worse. and these kind of men really do try to drag your problems out of you. even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. and i know and i have known for a married woman that that's just... pushing a boundary... maybe not for all married woman but for me. 

[steve25805 126,156]

9 hours ago, 2prnot2p said:

When I was married, I would have been quite concerned if my wife was looking for serious friendships with men outside of our marriage.  It's just not right.

I think friendship between men and women of a wholly platonic kind - just friends - is perfectly feasible and normal. My very best friend in life is a young lady half my age and we think of each other almost like close family. Nothing at all sexual or romantic about it. Just buddies. Any woman coming into my life as a partner - or any man coming into hers - would have to accept our friendship for what it is and not do the whole insecure jealousy thing. At the moment though we are both single.

[steve25805 126,156]

@Blackinksoul30, I am the kind of guy whom if I think someone is suffering or vulnerable in some way or just feeling a bit shit, I genuinely want to help. I can at such times come across a bit psychological and even a bit like a therapist. But that's only because I genuinely care about the feelings of people more generally. That is especially true where ladies are concerned because deep down inside there is something of the old-fashioned gent about me who wants to rush to the aid of damsels in distress. But I mean well, and am perfectly capable of normal conversations too.

But the type of man you are describing differs from me totally in the sense that they have an exploitative agenda. They wanna get you emotionally dependent upon them. Possibly to try and get in your pants. Never trust a man or indeed anyone who wants you to open up totally yet will not talk about themselves. And coming straight out with the I Love You shtick when they've only been communicating for 5 minutes is highly dodgy.

I think you have already figured out that such men are best avoided.

 

[steve25805 126,156]

1 hour ago, Blackinksoul30 said:

Right but i'm not really looking for advice. Like i said I'm not looking for someone to 'fix' me. I'm not looking for someone to help 'work out my problems'. I don't want to talk about my problems.

My problem - from your point of view - is that my natural inclination is to try and help someone with any kind of issues, insecurities, upsets, or whatever.

But I respect the fact that this is not what you want with any interaction with any of us. I will always remember and respect that going forwards.

 

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

1 minute ago, steve25805 said:

My problem - from your point of view - is that my natural inclination is to try and help someone with any kind of issues, insecurities, upsets, or whatever.

But I respect the fact that this is not what you want with any interaction with any of us. I will always remember and respect that going forwards.

 

I think the reason why i've had some of these psychologist men comes to me and try to be my 'Friend'... i'm referring to these extreme psychologist men... 

they see my posts about wanting a friend. that i'm disabled and my husband works a lot. (happily married but he works a lot). They see that as a red flag that i must have a lot of problems that need to be 'fixed' and they see me as an opportunity. 

[steve25805 126,156]

2 minutes ago, Blackinksoul30 said:

I think the reason why i've had some of these psychologist men comes to me and try to be my 'Friend'... i'm referring to these extreme psychologist men... 

they see my posts about wanting a friend. that i'm disabled and my husband works a lot. (happily married but he works a lot). They see that as a red flag that i must have a lot of problems that need to be 'fixed' and they see me as an opportunity. 

Some guys actually get off on the knight in shining armour rushing to the aid of the damsel in distress thing. For them it is not just about compassion. It is part of their thing erotically. They probably nurture fantasies about rushing to the aid of a lady which culminates in sex after he's sorted all her problems. That is I suspect the kind of mindset at play.

So whilst they only ever want to talk about you and your perceived problems, it is in reality all about them and what they want deep down.

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

I agree..... and reading this...kinda made my stomach turn... personally to me..... it's creepy... and disturbing... 

[steve25805 126,156]

13 minutes ago, Blackinksoul30 said:

I agree..... and reading this...kinda made my stomach turn... personally to me..... it's creepy... and disturbing... 

Apologies if my descriptions of the mindsets and motives of such guys has made you feel uncomfortable. It is what it is. Just speaking truth as I see it.

Just tell such assholes in no uncertain terms to fuck off right at the start.

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

Oh i know... i understand and agree that it is the truth... realizing it... that's what i feel is disturbing... but it's better to know exactly how these men are and what their motives are and know to avoid them. 

[2prnot2p 1,066]

I agree.  There is nothing wrong with married women having male friends or vice versa.  I dated a woman in the late 1990's whose best friend was a guy.  But, he was a "buddy."  What @Blackinksoul30 is seeking is a much more emotional relationship.  That intimacy should be reserved only for one's spouse.

Edited June 22, 2019 by 2prnot2p

[Blackinksoul30 1,246]

12 hours ago, 2prnot2p said:

I agree.  There is nothing wrong with married women having male friends or vice versa.  I dated a woman in the late 1990's whose best friend was a guy.  But, he was a "buddy."  What @Blackinksoul30 is seeking is a much more emotional relationship.  That intimacy should be reserved only for one's spouse.

What makes you feel like i am seeking a more emotional relationship? In your opinion what is the difference between having a male friend or a emotional relationship. I don't really see in any post where i am seeking an 'emotional relationship'.