A Little Humor to Brighten Your Day!

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Here's a riddle for you:

Q: Why did the cannibal eat a tightrope walker?

A: He wanted a well-balanced diet!

LMAO! 🤣

 

Edited November 1, 2018 by 2prnot2p

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Here's another that I truly hope you'll like.

When asked what he thought of the "Me Too" movement, Bill Clinton said, "I remember the good old days when 'harass' was TWO words!"

Edited November 4, 2018 by 2prnot2p

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Here's a riddle for you, pee fans.

Q:  What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

A: No guy would ever pay to have a lentil on him!

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Confucius says...

"Man who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is...unsanitary."

[steve25805 121,275]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping out in the countryside one summer night.

Sherlock says to Watson, "Watson, when you look up and see all those fabulous stars, what do you deduce?"

"I deduce that the universe is vast, with countless trillions of stars, many surely with planets, and life. We cannot possibly be alone amidst such vastness. Why Sherlock,? What do you deduce when you look up and see all those stars?"

"Watson, some twat has stolen our tent!"

[Guest UnabashedUser]

What's the diff between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

A. The oyster shucker SHUCKS between FITS.

[Guest UnabashedUser]

21 hours ago, steve25805 said:

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping out in the countryside one summer night.

Sherlock says to Watson, "Watson, when you look up and see all those fabulous stars, what do you deduce?"

"I deduce that the universe is vast, with countless trillions of stars, many surely with planets, and life. We cannot possibly be alone amidst such vastness. Why Sherlock,? What do you deduce when you look up and see all those stars?"

"Watson, some twat has stolen our tent!"

Holmes and Watson are tracking Dr. Moriarity across the jungles of Peru chased by Jivaro Native  Revolutionaries.

Watson says "Holmes the natives are revolting"

Holmes:  "Yes. Yes they are."

[VGnerd 98]

Here's one my late Uncle told me when I was a kid. It's corny but it always brings a smile to my face.

There's a competition at a millionaire's house in his pool. The Millionaire states "whoever wins the race shall have a choice of 1 of 3 things: My daughter's hand in marriage, $1,000,000, or my prize winning mule." Suddenly a man gets a burst of a head start and beats the others by a mile.

"Congratulations buddy" the Millionaire says. I guess you want the million huh?

Unh unh.

My daughter's hand in marriage?

Unh unh.

Well that means you want my prize winning mule right?

Unh unh.

Well buddy those are the three choices. What do you want?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want the name of the guy who pushed me into the pool.

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Two guys are eating in a restaurant. 

One guy says, "Man, the food here is horrible!"

His pal replies, "Yes, and they give you such small portions."

 

[2prnot2p 1,071]

I've had horrible luck with women and some of them were so cruel.

Once, many years ago, a woman I was dating looked down at my manhood and asked, "Who do you think you're going to please with that tiny thing?"

I thought for a moment and replied, "Me!"

[2prnot2p 1,071]

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time.  I hope you like it.

Mary and her husband, Carl, had been married for thirty years.  The romance had long since left the marriage and she felt lonely and ignored.  One night, she thought of a way to spice things up again.  She decided that she would put her backless night gown on backwards and surprise her husband in the living room.  So, she put it on with a pair of black leather pumps and her most expensive perfume.  She then proceeded to the living room.

There was Carl, sitting in his easy chair and reading the paper as usual.  Surely, he couldn't fail to notice her bare breasts in this backward night gown.  She walked over to him and asked, "Carl, do you notice anything different about me?"  Carl peered over the top of his newspaper and went back to reading.  Mary exclaimed, "Well?"  In a boring tone, Carl replied, "Yeah, you have your night gown on backwards."  Excited, Mary asked, "How can you tell?"

After a long pause, Carl answered, "The shit stains are in the front."

[2prnot2p 1,071]

If there's one thing that's worse than an out of tune piano, it's an organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece!

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Confucius says...

"Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger!"

[2prnot2p 1,071]

Carlin was the best ever, in my opinion!  So very clever and original! 

Edited April 14, 2019 by 2prnot2p

[speedy3471 10,627]

What do you call a cow with no legs?........... ground beef

[2prnot2p 1,071]

They're going to open a new nightclub in my town.  It's going to have liquor in the front and poker in the rear.