Jump to content

can you make me laugh?


weteric

Recommended Posts

My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.

Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.

"Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?"

"No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria

Link to post

A policeman knocked at my door today.

He said, "A few of the neighbours are complaining about the music."

I said, "You're joking? It's only 7pm."

"I don't care if it's 1 in the afternoon," he replied. "One Direction are still shit."

Link to post

If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?

Link to post

"What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my piss smell like piss doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

Link to post

The stunning blonde dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in.

"Hello, is your husband not in?" He asked,

"Does it look like he is in?" She replied opening her negligee, "will I not do?"

"No, not really," he said, "I need your car reversing out of the drive."

Link to post

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Link to post
  • 4 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...