An Old-Fashioned Solution (Original Characters, Set in the Harry Potter Universe)

[Hidengo 277]

Just an idea I got based on a bit of lore they introduced on Pottermore year or so ago. The Internet grossly misinterpreted the meaning, which I poke a little fun at, but I had a lot of fun writing this anyway.

Note: A Wizard Did It is literally in full effect here. In fact At Least Two Wizards Do Various Things. Expect a certain reduction in realism is what I'm saying.

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Being anywhere near Diagon Alley was a hassle, especially during the pre-Hogwarts days, when students are running around to purchase everything they need.

Of course, we didn't choose to be here now- Jess got a job interview sprung on her this morning and needs a new dress robe for day after tomorrow.

I left her waiting in the queue while I got us some snacks at Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. When I return, the queue of students in front of her waiting for a fitting has dropped to 7. Not that she looks terribly out of place- even at 21, she's maybe a head and a half taller than any given Hogwarts first-year. She supposedly has a halfling- that's what Americans call hobbits- grandmother to thank for her size, as well as the fact that whenever she buys new dress robes, they need to be altered to fit her properly. Though that grandmother also passed down the natural roundness to all the right places on her form, so we can call that breaking even, if you ask me.

I hand her her two Chocolate Frog boxes and start digging into my sack of Every-Flavour Beans.

"What's that other one?"

"Hm?"

Jess points to the third sack in my pocket, a new prank candy they'd been offering.

“Nothing that concerns you for now,” I say with a wink.

She isn't amused. "Come on John, what're you on?"

That's her favorite phrase when it comes to me. I've been hearing it since our first Herbology class together, nearly ten years ago.

She snatches the sack out of my pocket anyway. "Fizzy Whizz Crystals? So, like Pop Rocks?”

“Pop Rocks?” I repeat. “Are those Muggle Candies or American ones?”

“Yes.”

I roll my eyes. That hobbit sense of jolly mischief also found its way into her, as well.

“In any case,” I reach for the sack of candy, “I'd rather save these for when we’re back home, so-”

And like a true Gryffindor, Jess dumps out a handful of crystals and shoves it into her mouth before handing me the half-empty sack. Her giggles are interrupted by tiny crinkling pops.

“They're cherry flavored! You know me so well!”

She stands on tiptoe, then hops a little until she manages to peck a kiss on the tip of my chin.

I should say something. We aren't above pranking each other- we'd been doing it since we met second year at Hogwarts- but like I said, this one was supposed to wait until we got home.

But my mouth stays shut as we continue down Diagon Alley. I'm not the brave one,  after all.

The witches work fast, though, and the next four students step up to be fitted within five minutes. Jess will be in the next batch, and with luck, we’ll be home before the crystals’ effect kicks in.

Luck, unfortunately, is not on her side.

Just as we reach the front of the queue, Jess clenches up and then nearly doubles over, muttering to herself.

“You alright?” I ask, knowing she's not.

“Fine,” she mutters. “Just need the bathroom.” She winces and flinches harder. “Scratch that. Not as fine.”

I get close and speak softly so nobody else can hear unless they're being truly nosy. “No worries. We’ll get you measured for your robes and apparated home in no time.”

“Ugh, I hate Apparition. All that squeezing.” She shudders. “What do you think happens if you piss yourself in-between dimensions?”

“Not sure I want to find out.”

“Then they'd better hurry.”

Her foot taps out a quick rhythm on the tiled floor, and her fists clench as she bounces almost imperceptibly. I don't want to be turned on so much by it, but something about it accentuates her curves.

“Next in line!” Two seamstresses yell in unison. That's us.

Jess hands the seamstress the robe she needs altered, and she begins taking measurements.

Jess is nearly vibrating at this point, and several times she stops herself from putting a hand between her legs.

“Do stay still, dearie, we’re nearly done.”

She moans when the enchanted tape measure wraps around her belly, and once again, my mind and body are at odds how to respond.

Three minutes later, the seamstress hands her measurements off to someone else, tells us where to wait to pick up the altered dress robe, and calls the next customer.

“Miss!” Jess nearly yells. “Is there a bathroom I can use? Er, a loo?”

“Sorry, dear. We usually nip into Flourish and Blotts, but if you don't work the Alley, they'll only let you in if you're a paying customer. Maybe ask Tom back at the Cauldron?”

Jess clearly isn't too happy about that. We’d basically have to head all the way back to the mouth of the alley.

“The robe will take a quarter hour to finish. We can be there and back before then.”

We rush out the store and had back up toward the Leaky Cauldron.

“I'm… I'm really sorry about this, Jess.”

She groans as she speed-waddles to keep up. “For what?”

“I didn't expect or want this to be happening now.”

“What are you on?”

“Fizzy Whizz Crystals, Jess.” I turn away as her eyes widen in realization, unwilling to see her angry at me. “They were supposed to be a prank for when we got home. You wouldn't be in this situation if I'd never bought them.”

“Well, you did say you wanted to save them for later. My own fault. But damn, that stuff is potent.”

“Probably because you ate half the bag.” I nudge her playfully.

She chuckles. "Yeah, okay, it's all my fault then. Now can we hurry pl- ugh!”

She doubles over and grabs at her groin, panicking.

“I am not making it all the way back up. I can't.  I swear it gets worse by the minute.”

“I have an idea.”

I scoop her up into my arms- her rear is soaked already, and I can tell she only barely holding back. The turn into Knockturn Alley comes up, and I pull out my wand and cast a Disillusionment Charm over us. Not invisibility, but close enough.

It's darker in this part if the alley, both literally and magic-wise.

“You know,” I tell her, “before wizards took the idea of plumbing from Muggles, we made use of the vanishing charm. That's what we’re going to do.”

“What, vanish the piss out of my bladder?”

Another spurt. Warm wetness on my arm.

“More like vanishing it off the ground when you're done.”

“You want me to piss myself?”

“No, you- how do you even come up with that?” I finally find a secluded enough alley and cast an illusion of a wall at the entrance before setting her down and turning around. “I won't look, I promise. Just get yourself in order and then when you're done, I Vanish the… results.”

She takes a few steps away, and there are some splashes behind me, but it's otherwise quiet until Jess calls for me.

“John, help me.”

I turn to her. She basically standing in the fetal position, her hands beneath her robe still putting pressure against herself.

“I need you to pull my robes up out of the way.”

“If you insist.”

I rush over and start rolling up her robes. Some more piss escapes past her hands and she shrieks, straightening up to pull her underwear out of the way as an immense burst of piss hits the ground a bit in front of her. She sighs in relief as she puts even more pressure into it, sending her stream across the alleyway against the opposite wall. I'm mesmerized by the sheer volume of liquid she'd been containing- there must already be a gallon on the ground, and it doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon.

It’s loud enough that I feel the need to cast a muffling charm as well- she's pissing hard enough to blast the caked-on dirt and grime off the ancient stones. She seems to notice this and giggles as she pulls on her lower lips and tilts her hips side to side.

“Wow, it's like I'm a power-washer.”

“Have you got it from here?” I ask. “I have to start Vanishing or you'll flood the place.”

She takes the rolled - up portion of her robe from me and then starts moving closer to the wall she's pissing on as her stream starts to lose power.

“Evanesco!” I gesture at her first puddle and it blinks out of existence.

It's not so easy for the rest of it- she's still adding to the liquid running down the channels of the alley, and I have to perform several Vanishings to keep it from reaching past to the mouth of the alley- people are walking by and would notice a puddle spreading out from behind a wall.

By now, her stream has dwindled and with a final few short bursts, her bladder empties for now. She straightens herself out, casts a few cleansing charms on herself, and then moves to help me with cleanup.

We're both a bit awkward. I can tell something about the experience has turned her on- she flushes a certain shade of red when she's turned on- and there's no way my robe is hiding my body's reaction.

A mischievous grin settles on her face. “I want the rest of that candy when we get home.”

“I can't wait for the repeat performance.”

Edited January 11, 2019 by Hidengo

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Harry who???