weteric 1,237 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Can you take a joke? Do you get offended by "sick" humour? Can you make me laugh till I pee my pants? Try, I dare you. Quote Link to post
steve25805 121,099 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Can you take a joke? Do you get offended by "sick" humour? Can you make me laugh till I pee my pants? Try, I dare you. Have a listen to this..... [media] [/media] Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering... Yes, I forgot our anniversary again Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks. Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat. "Thank God!" I shouted. "Have you come to save us?" "No," they replied. "We're collecting donations for Syria Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 A policeman knocked at my door today. He said, "A few of the neighbours are complaining about the music." I said, "You're joking? It's only 7pm." "I don't care if it's 1 in the afternoon," he replied. "One Direction are still shit." Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 My girlfriend said for Valentine's Day she wants a visit to the chocolate factory. If she lets me do that then I'll happily take her out somewhere nice. 1 Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 I'm soo bored My wife is a keen ten pin bowler so I got her a bowling ball for her birthday. "Oh," she said, "the holes are to big for my three fingers." "I replied, "Now you know how I feel." 1 Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 No, really really bored. Someone make me laugh My wife said, "How come you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre." I said, "How come you never take me to the strip club?" Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 I think the girl I picked up in a bar last night was embarrassed about her large cunt. I may have put my foot in it Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 It's a bad Valentine's Day when the lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do. Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Anyone else reading these, or am I just amusing myself? Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 Congratulations to Lizzy Yarnold for winning Gold in the Winter Olympics. The expert coaching provided by David Beckham on how to ride the skeleton was invaluable. 1 Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Since I was young I always wanted to be a musician. Unfortunately I'm tone deaf and can't play an instrument to save my life. So I've joined a Jazz band Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident? Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 http://www.funnyist.com/celebrities-with-small-faces-really-small-faces-36-photos/ Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 My wife started her job on a cruise ship last week. My mate asked, "How's she getting on?" I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane." 1 Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 After being woken by a loud fart my wife said, "Oh, for Christ's sake! It's me or that bloody dog, time to decide!" I replied, "It was probably you, the dog's generally don't smell as bad that. Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 "My wife is like a mermaid." I said to my mate in the pub. "What, beautiful long hair and a killer body?" He asked. "No, I have to push her about in a wheelchair and she stinks of fish." Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 As I stared at the stripper, I gently massaged my cock. "Get out of my hardware store," said the manager. Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Share Posted February 26, 2014 "What's the problem?" The doctor asked. I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my piss smell like piss doctor?" "Have you tried drinking Foster's?" Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 The stunning blonde dressed in nothing more than a thong and negligee, let the plumber in. "Hello, is your husband not in?" He asked, "Does it look like he is in?" She replied opening her negligee, "will I not do?" "No, not really," he said, "I need your car reversing out of the drive." Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Share Posted February 28, 2014 When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage. Quote Link to post
weteric 1,237 Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife". Quote Link to post
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