Aftercare

[bungholio69 273]

So like, idk if this an appropriate place for this thread but it’s a topic that’s sex related. 
 

So aftercare from what I heard and researched it’s a thing where you care for your lover after doing something sexual together like well, sex. And two of the common things I know is peeing afterwards so that you don’t get a uti and showering. But there’s also like cuddling, eating food, being there for them emotionally and mentally because they might feel things after sex, drinking tea, etc. 

I want to see what members of this site do with their lover after a sexual experience because the thing is that I’m a virgin who never had sex before and if there was a moment where I found a girlfriend who likes me and I like her and we both decide to do it after a couple of months knowing each other or whatever amount of time is suitable and I want to learn the knowledge from people who are sexually active and have done it once or a few times because I want to care for my future girlfriend and make her feel safe and comfortable before, during, and after sex. 
 

Sorry if the post is kinda long but yeah I would like to hear your experiences on this topic especially from a women’s pov. 

[Carb0nBased 514]

At the risk of being hated for being another male responding to a topic mainly addressed at women.... I will say this.

I'm not much more experienced sexually than you. I have done mostly things like cuddling and oral and even those with only a few women. What I will say is that rather than learning from other people on Internet forums what they do with their boyfriends or girlfriends after a sexual encounter, you should make an effort to ask, or at least try to read the (possibly nonverbal) feedback from whatever woman you will first be with about what she wants. Most women will consider it a lot bigger of a failure on your part if you don't take their own wishes into consideration than if you go into your first (or even tenth) sexual encounter not having much of an idea what to do after.

Women are quite different in what they will like. Some may love being doted on and cared for, while others who are more independent may feel that a guy trying to help her do things that she could easily do herself is too infantilizing, especially if you act sappy or use baby talk. Part of what will make you feel compatible (or not) with a woman is whether you can easily get a feel for what she likes and doesn't like, and if what makes you feel good to provide is also what it makes her feel good to receive.

In any case, it is sweet that you want to help a woman be comfortable and feel loved after a sexual encounter, so I expect you will do great once you find someone.

[bungholio69 273]

1 hour ago, Carb0nBased said:

At the risk of being hated for being another male responding to a topic mainly addressed at women.... I will say this.

I'm not much more experienced sexually than you. I have done mostly things like cuddling and oral and even those with only a few women. What I will say is that rather than learning from other people on Internet forums what they do with their boyfriends or girlfriends after a sexual encounter, you should make an effort to ask, or at least try to read the (possibly nonverbal) feedback from whatever woman you will first be with about what she wants. Most women will consider it a lot bigger of a failure on your part if you don't take their own wishes into consideration than if you go into your first (or even tenth) sexual encounter not having much of an idea what to do after.

Women are quite different in what they will like. Some may love being doted on and cared for, while others who are more independent may feel that a guy trying to help her do things that she could easily do herself is too infantilizing, especially if you act sappy or use baby talk. Part of what will make you feel compatible (or not) with a woman is whether you can easily get a feel for what she likes and doesn't like, and if what makes you feel good to provide is also what it makes her feel good to receive.

In any case, it is sweet that you want to help a woman be comfortable and feel loved after a sexual encounter, so I expect you will do great once you find someone.

That makes a lot of sense. Everyone is different in what they want for a aftercare. 

[expererg 1,170]

Aftercare is something you do mostly after BDSM activities. It' s not exactly what you say 

Quote

it’s a thing where you care for your lover after doing something sexual together like well, sex

You need aftercare after BDSM because, during some bondage/domination/discipline/sadistic practices, you do something that relates to some of the darkest parts of yourself, your partner, or both, and you need to "re-humanize" yourself after that, and take care of your partner. That's especially true if what you've done has been (although consensual) particularly cruel, mean, painful, violent, sadistic, humiliating, degrading, etc.

Aftercare is something each partner feels they need after a BDSM session, and can be different for both partners. I, personally, need cuddling (even if I dominate ; yes, aftercare is for both sub and dom, both need to feel that they're human anyway). The girl I regularly dominate needs to smoke afterwards, and particularly when it's been painful, like whipping and flogging. Another girl I know needs to be all alone for 15 minutes, because she's a strong feminist (although she likes to be submissive) and she needs to feel like she is strong enough that she needs no one after being dominated. Some people need to eat or drink, some need meditation, a shower together, etc. I've heard of a pro-domina who massages her sub's feet afterwards. Simply rubbing the other's back for a few minutes, or debriefing, can be aftercare too. Another domina I've heard of, takes a time debriefing with the sub at her feet, as she feels she needs to keep with the "domina" attitude.

I've cuddled for 20 minutes with a girl I've flogged (with nice marks on her bottom). I seemed to be the one that needed most aftercare, although I was the one dominating her. I've fully washed a girl, shampoo, soap, rinse, from hair to toes, during a shower together after doing some messy activities. 

I've been deeply bitten by a girl, three times in a row, and I wasn't ready for it (nor completely willing). Immediately afterwards, I was shaking incontrolably, and felt really bad. Aftercare couldn't be provided, because the circumstances couldn't allow (it was in public, she chose not to come to see me because she didn't feel it was as bad as I did). Hopefully, another girl that was there, helped me with first-aid, disinfectant, bandage (I was bleeding), and I couldn't help but collapse. I cried into her arms for, like, 10 minutes, although we didn't know each other. She gracefully took me into her arms and cuddled me. I'm lucky she was there, because I needed to feel "humanity", inconditional benevolence towards me, to compensate for what my body felt as an agression.

So, that's the reason for aftercare : being sure that everything is OK after some activities where you express the deepest dark parts of who you are, and of which you and your partner might be afraid of, ashamed or guilty. It might need to be done immediately afterwards, but also a few hours of even days later, because immediately after some dark activity, you might feel "it was OK" and then, the backlash comes later, when you don't expect it. But even without going far into BDSM practices, aftercare is a good thing. Don't underestimate the impact on your partner of something you would find inconsequential : depending on the person's past, experiences, trauma, etc., simply tying someone, or doing some "sensation play" like very light flogging without pain, can be triggering bad reactions.

Don't neglect aftercare if you're into BDSM. It's important. Letting the beast deep down within, to express itself, and accepting it, is OK (well, for BDSM practitionners, it's OK, or at least it's better than to deny it and suffer from it, but that's another debate). As long as it leaves place to being human again afterwards. It needs expressing too.

@bungholio69, in "vanilla" sex, you don't especially need aftercare. You might want cuddling, hugging, petting, before, after, during sex, anytime you want, in your day-to-day life. You don't need to have some particular practice after sex, unless you felt it was really intense and needs some special attention. Otherwise, don't wait specifically after sex to have some attention towards your partner. "Aftercare" specifically is a concept you need only if you dwell within murky waters. Don't start there. Experiment with some more classical things first. I'm sharing very personnal things here, but I hope it helps you get the point. You need to know yourself quite well before deciding to explore some limits you might regret having crossed afterwards if you weren't ready for it. Trust me on that matter.

Edited September 5, 2022 by expererg

[Carb0nBased 514]

Thanks expererg for explaining. I hadn't heard the term "aftercare" before, and now I know why.