Natalie Portman goes on a talk show to talk about the great deed she did for all humanity years ago. All events and characters (except Miss Portman) are fictional. No prejudice held by author or intended offense to any nationality.
"Please give a warm welcome to our next guest. This woman was trapped as a young lady by the infamous Baron Dookledorf; hurt and abused by this sorry excuse for a human being, and tonight, several years after the event, this lovely lady is gonna divulge the only good moment of that time - the moment she turned the tables, and took his worthless life. Please welcome : the lovely : Natalie Portman!"
She walks out smiling as the crowd applauds her. The interviewer stoops in a gentlemanly bow, and Natalie responds with a curtsy, and gracefully seats her lovely self down.
"Now Natalie I'm so glad you're here, and after what you endured I think you've been through things pr- pretty unimaginable to most of us", he says with an inclusive gesture to the audience. "You've survived it all. You're like the ultimate- You're the most beautiful, you've been wronged the most and you're so gracious for it. And I- I think you're the most worthy of life. So before we unpack the nitty-gritty of your story I just wanna thank you for allowing me to live."
Her eye widens. "Letting you-"
"Yeah, no, letting me- 'cause like I'm using me as an example. I'm not worthy to be on the same planet as you, let alone the same stage. So, if I say something stupid tonight during this very special story, you have every right to step over here and do to me what you did to Dookledorf."
Natalie laughs her lovely laugh and stops him. "No, no. Lemme make this clear to you and everyone watching: I will never again do to anyone what I did to that monster. I wish everyone a long and happy life."
The crowd applauds once more.
The hosts puts his hand on his forehead in relief. "Well thank you. Now, after what doesn't need to be mentioned, what happened to your family and friends, what Dookledorf uh, did to them-"
"Right", she nods.
"You were taken prisoner. He- he hurt and abused you. Why were you spared and could you tell us about that."
"Right, well I can say it wasn't out of any -any clemency, or kindness of the soul. One thing I soon learned, he had no soul. And so he abused me and, ya know -but we aren't here to talk about that, we're here to talk about how I killed him!", she snaps with a grin evoking an excited crowd response.
"Right, now I and s-several of our folks watching might know the -kind of -outline of how you did it, but we'll get there. How did it start? How long had you been planning it?"
Here her demeanor becomes more serious. "Well I decided quickly I would survive and avenge my family. So I quickly rose through the servant's ranks at the base; I got notes passed through a crack in my cell wall, which - along with some encouraging words - contained a lot of info about types of herbage and poison. Turns out it was written by our town pharmacist; they threw him in there in case he might be useful."
"Wow, so you accumulated this knowledge and you climbed, slowly but surely, the chore ladder."
"That's right. The conditions didn't really change; he still did the same thing to me as lower servant girls. It took uh", here she pauses, with a sigh, "It took everything in me not to lash out everytime. My only solace was fantasizing every night about how I would kill him."
"Right and I know a lot of the details are in your book, available for sale now ladies and gentlemen. But uh, so to get to the good stuff, the peeing and uh, all that makes your story famous-"
"Right, so, I was serving his lunch one day, having monitored officer patterns and knowing it was unlikely they'd enter his quarters. Plus I- I couldn't wait anymore." She waves a fan a little for affect. "I was so tired of him being alive." So I served it, and he took it, saying 'ShooJew'. That was his 'little quip'", she said, complete with airquotes and a sneering look, "to those of us who were Jewish."
The host shakes his head.
"Yeah, he especially despised us of course. But this time, I just gave a sly smile and turned as if to leave. A cocky air might alert him to the food."
"Right. That was smart."
"And I heard him take a rather huge chomp on the sandwich -he always ate so disgusting, and uh, I knew that was it. So now comes the fun part. I turn back around and before he can even address me he starts having spasms, and now he's just lying there, conscious, but can't move. I know I got the dosage right."
"Uh-huh", the host says, leaning in and attentive.
"And I don't have time to make a tenth the sport of him he did of me but I say, 'Wow, nothing to say? Must be the special muscle relaxant I put in your sandwich. My secret ingredient.'
"And here I grinned holding the plate out like a waitress or a- chef- man I don't freakin know!" she says laughing. "I was just so excited to really be doing this. So I- I couldn't wait, I rushed over, pushed him off his chair onto his back, raised my rag of a dress, and started peeing. I peed all over his chest, face-"
"Nat - Natalie, this is amazing. I can't wait to hear more about the, the best part of your execution of this evil man. We'll be right back with Natalie Portman after these messages."